Bernie Sanders Says His Ideal Society is the Borg

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Iowa City, Iowa—Senator Bernie Sanders has been surging in the national polls for the Democratic primary race, and his new message seems to be resonating as the nation approaches Super Tuesday.

Sanders said in a speech last week that America has not been “made great again,” and that it has “never been great, not ever, not when I was a little boy growing up in Brooklyn in 1807, not before, not after. And certainly not with this current President. It is a shame. An open shame.”

After having a mild heart attack, he continued, “America has never done a single, good thing. It’s always been lousy. I defy YOU, to tell ME. One good thing. It is a society founded upon the OPPRESSION of African Americans, and on the SLAUGHTER of innocent Britons. It is a country built upon TAKING away human rights!” He then stuck a fork into a power socket to fix his hair.

Sanders lectured the audience at length with the verbal cadence of any deranged lunatic, attacking one ideal of the Republic before lurching forward to bash in the head of the next noble concept with a hammer and sickle, congenially on loan to him from Karl Marx.

He stated with the moral certitude that only comes from never having worked in the real world, or at all,

“I have studied many, many societies. And people say that I am communist. And maybe, perhaps, there is some truth to that. But communists fail, too. And that is why I tell you, the best society I have seen—is the Borg. The epitome of collectivists. A real achievement.”

Sanders powerfully extolled the virtues of the Borg, who live in harmony with everyone, mainly by assimilating them forcibly or committing wholesale genocide, both of which he spoke highly of. “Much better than what the communists did in the USSR with the farms,” he said.

As of the time of this writing, Mr. Sanders has upgraded being assimilated from “a constitutional right” to “a human right.” He also downgraded resistance from “don’t think it’ll work” to “is futile.”