I’ve detailed before how I typically manage to kill off every potential relationship with more precision than Seal Team 6. At the beginning of this year, I set a new goal for myself: settle down and get married within 18 months. I also wanted to change careers, so there were basically three ways to accomplish this:
- Learn a new skill while working: programming. (Doing.)
- Learn a new skill while not working: flying. (Requires a lot more money.)
- Learn programming and flying while working. (Probably smartest.)
The the coronavirus came; it swept the world so terribly. So what now? Well, pressing ahead. Cautious stock market bets have been paying off for me. I also noticed that I was getting messages from an old, Christian dating account that I used to have. What? I guess ladies in lockdown are desperate. Anyway, I answered a few of them.
I’m still encountering some of the same issues that I had before. I fell for a gal and thought that she was really into me, but somehow I was wrong. Sadly, it took me forever to fall for this person, as has been my history, so now I too often well on all of her positive attributes, as if no other female might be as good of a Christian teammate. It is what it is. I’m definitely learning to change my ways, though, and to approach things in a manner not akin to the previous, failed techniques. I’m learning from history, too—you can’t make someone love you freely, and when they select a different partner over you, it’s time to move on, though you of course look forward to the spiritual best for them, as I mentioned here.
I can do that, though I don’t like it even one little bit. I hate admitting defeat, being second best, and of course losing something so valuable. What is harder, however, is letting someone new in. I’m getting physically into better shape (more on that later), so I’ve had an uptick in female interest that I’m not used to. I’d normally rate myself a solid 4/10, but now I’m almost a 5.
But with me stuck in a foreign land due to coronavirus, I feel goofy even responding to some of the very attractive, successful females who have messaged me. They’ll be snapped up in a moment’s notice, which is a sign to me to get my white heiny back to America as soon as they allow me to fly. I’m still suffering from some of my same inherent self-deprecatory thoughts, too. A few foreign females have been interested in me, and two of them are more beautiful than I think anyone has a right to be. I used to talk to a girl who was the same way, and I got really skittish: what if she just wants me for citizenship? I’ve had a few friends who have married attractive foreign gals who were out of their league, and then been ditched about 13 months into the marriage.
Still, all of the above, believe it or not, I’ve been able to overcome through force of will and cognitive behavioral therapy. I’m staying off facebook, too, and avoiding social media, so that I don’t feel any pangs of longing, and so that I can’t feel raw failure, which has also helped. What I have not been able to fix, though, is the connection. I had one, on-again, off-again relationship that just never brought me any joy. It was a very stable blessing, but I felt so much ennui. All these thoughts, ideas, and passions running through my mind were met with confusion as to why the subjects were interesting to me. I longed for deep, engaging conversation, but I was expecting something that the girl couldn’t offer. (And she is an amazing Christian who has finally found a great match—I pray for their incredible success daily, because America needs more people like them.)
I’ve never had many people, as they say, “get” me. Most find me to be a “random,” funny (or horribly unfunny) guy who is a bit too aggressive, or a bit too “exuberant,” as one person said.
So I don’t know if I’ll meet my 18-month goal, given the world events. It’s unlikely now. I’ve been reading Song of Solomon (read the literary version, which gets rid of verse numbers and makes it like a book), and I desire to have that fire in my heart, and to find someone who has it for me. The next time I meet a girl who is Christian, likes the outdoors, and clicks into my mind like cog wheels rolling, I’m having a ring custom made and securing that blessing. (If she says yes.) Those type of people only come along about once every 5 years for me, so I don’t have much time.
If you need any prayers, let me know. I am trying to exist to serve others more.