Seeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.
The book shows that Biden may be nearing a century in age, but he’s got the charm it takes to land women in modern times, no matter how young, how old, or how unwilling. In it, Mr. Biden purports to show “hot new tricks to get her to show her gams in the age of Tinder,” as well as “how to take CornPop’s gal before he even knows she’s gone.”
Reviews so far are mixed but still positive, with many feminists noting that it’s no longer acceptable to “pounce on [women] from behind,” as the book recommends, and that you should “go for their necks like a tiger” only if you have explicit permission. Still, most are calling it a charming, old-fashioned look at how Americans used to get mates.
Still, Biden makes some questionable scientific claims, such as explaining that surprising women with sudden physical contact “works because the fairer sex has a paralytic response, rather than fight-or-flight, like those fainting goats, ya hear?” Critics have also pointed out that having a “black-spine edition and a white-spine edition so that you can pick up either race” could be seen as tone-deaf in this cultural moment.
- The book features both a white-spine edition and a black-spine edition to increase inclusivity.
Despite all of this, Democrats have quickly pointed out that Joe is loving and means well. He also has some helpful tips on safe sex, warning that there are rumors of a nasty new disease that attacks the human immune system itself, so it is important to “put on the ol’ lambskin, and that ain’t no malarkey, Jack!”
“It might seem creepy at first, but he’s from a different time and can’t be judged by the standards we have in our enlightened age,” said a local Antifa member while tearing down a few statues of disgusting regressives from the 1700s.
Biden is also set to release a new children’s book, “Always Kiss Me Goodnight: A Sleepy Joe Bedtime Story,” as well as a young-adult series entitled, “The Chloroform Chronicles.”
To complete his literary spree, the candidate will also be penning two non-fiction books which are deeply personal to him: “Biden Your Time: A Guide to the Age of Consent in all 50 States,” and “Biden Your Time: A Guide to Statutory Rape Loopholes.”