Stanford University—All graduate and undergraduate history classes are being scrapped at Stanford in favor of more modern forms of knowing. While some academics are grumbling due to the collapse of their capitalistic programs of “understanding what happened before,” as if that’s important, most are pretty happy with the changes.
“My physics class now includes a mandatory reading of George Orwell’s 1984,” wrote Professor Weston Smith. “I don’t know much about the book, but it has some amazing recommendations for social change that the United States should have adopted years ago. Shame that it’s taken us so long.”
The book is being issued across all departments to teach people how to control the present to control the past, and how to control the past to control the future. Guidance on how to remove all statues and replace all names are already being implemented.
“It’s a great change, frankly! The fun thing about not knowing history is that it’s so exciting when you repeat it,” university president Marc Tessier-Lavigne commented with enthusiasm. He then fired himself for being white, but then declared himself to be transgender and was immediately hired back as a protected, intersectional minority.
The university will be adding PhD programs in Outrage Archaeology, Bookshelf Gender-Balancing, and Edifice Removal. McClatchy Hall will be demolished over the summer for “obvious reasons.” Some minorities will be allowed to skip end-of-semester exams if they take part in other university programs, such as Community Guillotine Making.
Merriam Webster has helpfully updated the definition of “dystopia” to read “a society of justice and joy” for regressives who are still using it incorrectly.