Underwater Society of Racists Found

Underwater Society of Racists Found

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Rachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.

Using her robotic, underwater drone, Hicks observed people swimming in groups. What were they doing there? Humans aren’t supposed to be under the sea? Were these wretched neo-colonialists? Why would they need to be hidden beneath the surface of the ocean? And why were so many of them—at least 60%—definitely white? Something racist was aflipper.

Using a live camera feed, Hicks was able to navigate her unpersoned underwater vehicle (UUWV) close enough to get photos of the people. Over the course of several months, she solidified her findings and came to a conclusion: there is an underwater society of racists, or at least land-dwelling racists are now holding their meetings in secret beneath the surface.

  • “They’re not even hiding it,” Hicks said.

Everywhere she went, Hicks found people making the same, racist hand-gestures. Sometimes, when she’d repeatedly bump into these vile ethnonationalists while trying to get pictures of them, they’d make their white-power symbols right at her UUWV’s lens. Blatant!

“It’s unfortunate to discover that racists have taken to the seas and that all SCUBA divers are racists,” Hicks told us. “But we should have known. Why else would anyone choose to swim in the same water as a Great White Shark? It was staring us in the face this whole time. Disgusting. Cancel them.”

Although she hasn’t obtained her PhD just yet, Stanford University has already offered Hicks a tenure-track professorship. She’ll be the first official professor of Critical Ocean Theory.


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