President Joe Biden has been suffering from low polls thanks to ungrateful people who aren’t happy that he’s had their employers fire them. In an effort to salvage his image, the administration has launched a new initiative: Build Back Barer.
Major news outlets are picking up on the smart plan, noting the food shortages occurring and accelerating, and telling people to revise their expectations, because America isn’t in the Before Times anymore. In the New Normal, we should all aim to Build Back Barer.
The President toured a local supermarket to view its empty shelves. While his handler was gone to the restroom, he accidentally started answering questions and talking about his vision for a better America.
“There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.
“Why look at that guy,” he said pointing at a blind man with a service pet. “He can’t be all that hungry. He hasn’t even finished his dog.”
“Hey Jack, there may be no food, but at least you have toilet paper.”
Getting to the empty ice cream aisle seemed to temporarily take the President aback. “Ok, so yeah man, there might be a little bit of a food shortage, but it’s hitting us all, listen up, my son’s Hunter’s been having to scrounge food off hookers’ bodies, hoping to find something edible on their bellies or whatever it is they keep there, maybe cracker crumbs, just whatever he can find, it’s desperate times for all of us,” he muttered. “Where can an old Joe get some ice cream around this place? What’s going on? Where’s the ice cream? I like ice cream.”
Biden’s plan of building a new, trimmer future is a good one, but the Administration understands that adjusting can be hard. As such, they released a list of suggestions for people adapting to the food shortage:
- -Try eating less.
- -Plant a banana tree in your backyard.
- -Eat more insects.
- -Become friends with Donald Trump.
- -Chew on leather shoes in between meals.
- -Take up the new one-meal-a-week diet.
- -Make reservations at your local dumpster. (Consume any raccoons also there.)
- -Loot your local pet store instead of Target.
- -Vacation to Ghana where they have more food.
- -Ask the Californian homeless how they make it work.
- -Eat all the toenails that you’ve been wastefully throwing away.
- -Cut open and lick the inside of the salad dressing container.
- -Revise your expectations.
- -BUILD. BACK. BARER.
- -Porcupines are an underused food source. Try plucking them carefully.
- -Porcupine quill soup.
- -Are porcupine teeth caloric?
- -Do we eat cow butts or chicken butts?
- -Recycle nutritious dental plaque.
- -Look between the couch cushions.