Reading Time: 2 minutes Lunchbreaks are being eliminated to acclimate the workforce to the coming famine.
Reading Time: < 1 minute My friend and mentor, Jeff, has lived in Africa for going on 4 decades. He has the most upstanding family and extended family I’ve ever met. With a message like this always coming from him, it’s no surprise.
Reading Time: 4 minutes Americans exist in a nation of failed families. A nation which sacrifices the unborn for convenience. It’s a nation of shattered homes, and of nuclear families ripped asunder, where they even existed in the first place. A nation where commitment and lifelong together-goals are scorned and derided as superstitious relics of a bygone era.
Reading Time: 4 minutes Stewardship is huge these days. From environmentalism to welfare, we’re bombarded with the message that we, as the virtuous people we know ourselves to be, need to focus on saving things: democracy, the planet; feelings. Companies accept diktats under the acronym “ESG,” standing for “environmental, social, and corporate governance.” You’ve got to keep that ESG score up, so accept the messaging you’re given and promulgate it. Yet often what we…
Reading Time: 2 minutes An old coworker once told me that he was spending a good deal of money on a website where he could subscribe to a certain girl and watch her perform sexual acts and apparently also work on cars while naked. It was easy for me to list off the reasons I didn’t think this was healthy, moral, or financially prudent (and sure enough, his marriage fell apart). I think that…
Reading Time: < 1 minute I love roller coasters and have a particular fondness for ones made by the Swiss company Bolliger & Mabillard. Through the ups and downs of the run, I’m able to have fun because much thought went into the design, and I know I’m going to be safe in the end. The ups and downs of life are also much easier for me knowing that I’m following a design made by…
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Thanks to Biden’s steady hand at the helm, nutritionists across America expect that the country’s obesity epidemic may be entirely over by the end of Biden’s first term in office.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Jacobs, a political science PhD remote working for a non-profit in Aspen, is an expert on listening to experts. In fact, he said there’s no way to be certain that you’re right if you don’t agree with them.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes In the past, society was been intolerant and bigoted, but this sprint was proof that equity was coming to all women, no matter how furry and fanged they might be.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Let them come. There is still one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath.”
Reading Time: 4 minutes For too long, people have thought of the news as something designed to give them information. Wrong! News is created to tell you what to believe, sure, but most importantly, how to feel—and that’s where I come in! No ads, no hijinks, just factory-fresh news, straight from me, Lucas Necesito. So let’s get started with the past week’s events!
Reading Time: 2 minutes Meanwhile, President Biden is also sending an exorcist to check on the Ghost of Kyiv, which he described in a press conference as, “Yeah, c’mon man, it might be fighting for you now, but who knows what a ghost is thinking…gimme a break.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Deranged religious cultists are once again spreading their intolerance and bigotry abroad.
Reading Time: < 1 minute “This centaur is spouting off misinformation on a daily basis, and it’s time that Spotify used their status as a private company to remove him from the face of the planet. No holds barred. There are still killers for hire, and we’ll look the other way,” Psaki told reporters.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Osteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal sense.
Reading Time: 3 minutes Big tech suppresses certain ideas through social mechanisms and disallowing certain interactions. You’ve seen the playbook, which includes things like removing dislikes from ideas they support, prohibiting sharing of certain information entirely, banning heterodox thinkers who seem most open and might attract others, posting “fact-checks” which are factual though not truthful (and in some cases which are purely fallacious), and promoting certain concepts while disallowing others.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Cheyenne, WY—John McCaye forgot for the second year in a row to change his profile picture on Veteran’s Day, and now he’s not getting the recognition that he deserves.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Though lambasted by far-right extremists, Mayor Pete spent most of his vacation in Acapulco, his shirt off, lovingly nursing his brand new margarita the first hour, and then several hundred thereafter. Acapulco was a great place to relax, since it was one of the few places not dealing with a supply-chain crisis, because it wasn’t in America where the person responsible for such things was absent and on vacation.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Dr. Fauci is the model for the newest line of shampoo by Garnier. The novel formulation was partially produced in the Wuhan Labs and was extensively tested on live dogs, until they were dead dogs.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Fresh off becoming a mega-millionaire as a humble public servant, Dr. Anthony Fauci is looking for more uses for his unique set of skills. And they won’t involve tedious coronaviruses from the Far East.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Thanks to the events of the recent past, many people have been putting a huge emphasis on avoiding people who seem ill. They want to avoid contagion, so unless they’re healthcare workers, they don’t spend all day around sick people.
Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.