Prison Officials Drip Water on Ghislaine Maxwell Every 90 Seconds to Make Sure She Doesn’t Commit Suicide
Reading Time: < 1 minute Waking her up every 15 minutes might not work, so prison officials have gotten serious.
Americans Select Their Victors in 46th Quarter Quell
Reading Time: 3 minutes “Look, listen here,” Democrat, former Games volunteer Bernie Sanders told reporters. “Hey you, yah schmuck! We’ve had a lot of problems in this country, ain’t got enough bread lines, no joke. If we, mark my words, do not win the Games tonight, there will be hell to pay! We must embrace Cuban-style government. Great literacy program and some of the world’s best swimmers!”
The Soul-Shattering Sound of Silence
Reading Time: 2 minutes It is hard to be thankful for pain when you consider all the moments you got to hold you kid and listen to her floating laugh echoing in the halls, which now ring only with the high-pitched, tinny whine that your ears pick up when there is only silence. It’s hard to be thankful for the times your mom cooked you your favorite dinner as you stand in the kitchen, now empty forever, helping load boxes of items you have to do, well, something with. It’s hard to be thankful for the pain as you tell your best friend and confidant, “I finally got rid of his toothbrush today. I guess this makes it real.”
Pedophilia and Atheism
Reading Time: 2 minutes One of the stranger things about atheism is that pedophilia isn’t a choice under it. Why? Because the laws of cause and effect outside of the head don’t stop in the inside of the head.
CA Mandates Halloween Candy be Dispensensed via Potato Cannon to Prevent Illness
Reading Time: 2 minutes All candy will have to undergo a mandatory 14-day quarantine prior to consumption, unless it is used in peaceful protests during the November 3rd evening riots, in which case it is to be considered decontaminated via moral and ethical virtue washing.
Presidential Candidate Jo Jorgensen has Strange, Animal-Focused Interview with Dr. Bret Weinstein
Reading Time: 2 minutes Moments after the interview ended, Libertarian VP candidate Spike Cohen burst through the door shouting, “We’re not hyper-illiberals; she didn’t mean to say that! Comedian Dave Smith doesn’t exist, forget about the Part of the Problem Podcast; quick go add Nicholas Sarwark on your social media platforms!”
Mike Pence to Undergo Brief Downtime for Personality Upgrade
Reading Time: 2 minutes Vice President Mike Pence is scheduled to have a brief downtime on Thursday as White House IT personnel install a personality app into his operating system.
California Mandates Restaurant-Goers Wear Horse Feeding Bags
Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Ancient Writings: Has Christianity Changed Views on Baptism Over Time?
Reading Time: 14 minutes Although I’d known the various views on immersion that churches today tend to hold, I was curious about what Christians closer to the time of Jesus thought. In this post I explore a number of their early writings, and then offer my own conclusions.
Twin Category-5 Megariots Forecast if Trump Wins
Reading Time: 2 minutes Regardless of Biden and Harris’s landfall intensity, life-threatening highway stoppages and strong arson are likely over a large portion of the east coast, the west coast, and Chicago, as well as unsurvivable, rapidly-intensifying peaceful protests in Denver, CO and other metropolitan areas.
What Saves Man? A List, But Not a Checklist
Reading Time: 2 minutes Saved by faith alone? A little more? What’s the answer?
A Series on Prophecies (Incipient Draft/Working)
Reading Time: 3 minutes The Bible tells of salvation through family trees, explaining events that were to come and which then came. Leaving out the parts before this (which were blessing to generation, blessing to generation, etc.), I can focus on Jacob, who had 12 sons. His sons became the 12 tribes of Israel, each tribe being named after one of the sons. When he was about to die, Jacob told his son Judah,…
Democrats Counter-Nominate New, Improved Ruth Vader Ginsburg
Reading Time: < 1 minute Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer plan to bring back Ruth Bader Ginsburg, claiming Darth Vader was mostly machine, and the new Ruth Vader Ginsburg will have “very similar features.”
Appealing to Liberals, Trump Says He Fought the Trump Administration by Not Paying Taxes
Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, DC—President Donald Trump, long-suspected of not being an actual billionaire but rather just a poor person with a personal Boeing 757, has come under fire recently for paying taxes at the rate of a poor person.
Trump Says in Lieu of Taxes, He Got Mike Bloomberg to Inject $1B into US Economy
Reading Time: < 1 minute As people have rightfully pointed out, all Americans gleefully pay the legal maximum in taxes, and most even donate to the US government above and beyond.
Trump Says He Should Get “Underprecedented” Third Term
Reading Time: < 1 minute Trump has promised that he will use his third term to walk among the ashes of California. His second term, which starts in 2021, will “probably be used to attend Ancient Joe’s funeral, he is old, very old, maybe the oldest, even ever.”
Should You Behead Those Who Insult You?
Reading Time: 2 minutes In the past I’ve run into unexpected cruddy behavior and found myself asking, “What in the world do I do now, and how can I make it as painful for them as possible?”
It Is Possible to Commit No Mistakes and Still Lose
Reading Time: < 1 minute “I will come again and conquer you, because as a mountain you can’t grow, but as a human, I can.”
Dems Commit to Court Packing by Making Literally EVERY Citizen a Justice
Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Trump Commits to Peaceful Transfer of Power to Himself as Forever-Ruler
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Biden Promises Free College in Exchange for 2 Years Public Service in Peace Corps, Antifa
Reading Time: 2 minutes Acknowledging that involvement increases investment, Joe Biden, running on the Harris-Biden ticket, has announced a plan to provide free college to all Americans—but there’s a catch.
I Wish It Need Not Have Happened in My Time, Yet I Spoke
Reading Time: 3 minutes Humans have an amazing ability to adapt to bad situations. Our minds can take terrible circumstances and slowly normalize them, leading us to cope and even find happiness when things are rough. But there is a flipside: this same ability allows us to become desensitized to evil. Vile acts simply become a new normal over time.
A Sufficiency of Friends
Reading Time: 2 minutes Look at that picture. It’s funny, and for me, it’s almost entirely true. I like having maybe one close friend/girlfriend and then one other friend besides that. It makes my life simple. As a rule, I am an introvert and not that adept at understanding my own feelings and navigating relationships…
Ginsburg’s Will Reveals She Bequeathed Seat to Granddaughter
Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”
Dem Scientists Look for Way to Detonate Yellowstone to “Just End It Already”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Following the announcement that President Trump will replace late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, progressive scientists across America are furiously researching ways to “just end it already.”