Reading Time: 2 minutes Osteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal sense.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Cheyenne, WY—John McCaye forgot for the second year in a row to change his profile picture on Veteran’s Day, and now he’s not getting the recognition that he deserves.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Though lambasted by far-right extremists, Mayor Pete spent most of his vacation in Acapulco, his shirt off, lovingly nursing his brand new margarita the first hour, and then several hundred thereafter. Acapulco was a great place to relax, since it was one of the few places not dealing with a supply-chain crisis, because it wasn’t in America where the person responsible for such things was absent and on vacation.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Dr. Fauci is the model for the newest line of shampoo by Garnier. The novel formulation was partially produced in the Wuhan Labs and was extensively tested on live dogs, until they were dead dogs.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Fresh off becoming a mega-millionaire as a humble public servant, Dr. Anthony Fauci is looking for more uses for his unique set of skills. And they won’t involve tedious coronaviruses from the Far East.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.
Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Boulder, CO—Scientists at the University of Colorado School of Geophysics have overturned a long-held world record for planetary heat here on Earth. While the record was previously held by Iran’s Lut Desert, it’s been definitively relegated into the realm of sweaty has-beens.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The creators of the sci-fi horror flick, “The Bird Box,” have announced a sequel to the acclaimed movie, but this time you’ll be able to get a good look at the monsters.
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Just let them leave?” Harris spluttered. “Like live their own lives without our control? I hate them, but we can’t do that—their land is valuable, you hicks!”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Conyers, GA—Local mother Julie Andrews is overjoyed to see what her husband gets her for Mother’s Day, and she expressed that sentiment abundantly during our interview with her.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Out, out!” screamed Mx. Still. “I don’t know what alien gender you are, but on this planet, we give our pronouns so that we don’t make other people uncomfortable!”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Looking to prevent another unarmed insurrection where the only people killed are defenseless women, the CIA has announced that it will begin using Predator drones over the US landmass.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The data shows that the violence of white supremacy can occur even when the nearest white person is some 80 miles away.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Chopped is being replaced by a new cooking show where the judges simply tell each other that no one dish is better or worse than the other and refuse further comment on the merits of the dishes.
Reading Time: < 1 minute A local 6-year-old girl has mastered the word “impostor” and now impresses her parents with it no less than 600 times per day, at a median decibel level of 87.
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Reading Time: 2 minutes Facing blowback for policies at the border, the Biden administration has announced that it is uncaging thousands of migrant children.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “There’s nothing tastier than eating the bank account of a restaurateur who’s putting up a “PERMANENTLY CLOSED” sign,” he said with a chuckle and a smack of his lips. “Serve it up with a side of kids’ tears and you’ll have your new favorite dish.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Writers have hinted that the DC superheroes will try to put an end to the terrible, murderous menace by masking him up with at least two masks, as their leader Dr. Science S. Fauci recommends, “but it won’t go as well as they’d hope, and only 99.6% of them will survive.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Less than 12 hours into his tenure in the White House and President Joe Biden has suffered an adorable mishap that makes our hearts smile. While watching workers move in his items, he snagged a vacuum from a janitor and tried to sniff the hair in its rollers.
Reading Time: < 1 minute In a massive bungle between Moderna and Microsoft, the nanochip in the new COVID vaccine is far too large to be injected safely.
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look, I know that people think money grows on trees, but we have to face the fact that it doesn’t. Congress has to work very hard to tax that money from you, and we can’t just go giving it back,” McConnell said.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “I get it, I get it. 2.0 had some problems. It wasn’t much fun for people. Americans want fun. Reading 5500-page stimulus bills isn’t fun at all, now is it? So we didn’t bother doing that, which is our way of leading by example. And here’s our next show of leadership,” Nadler said as he tossed a BB-gun to a confused reporter.