Prison Officials Drip Water on Ghislaine Maxwell Every 90 Seconds to Make Sure She Doesn’t Commit Suicide
Reading Time: < 1 minute Waking her up every 15 minutes might not work, so prison officials have gotten serious.
Americans Select Their Victors in 46th Quarter Quell
Reading Time: 3 minutes “Look, listen here,” Democrat, former Games volunteer Bernie Sanders told reporters. “Hey you, yah schmuck! We’ve had a lot of problems in this country, ain’t got enough bread lines, no joke. If we, mark my words, do not win the Games tonight, there will be hell to pay! We must embrace Cuban-style government. Great literacy program and some of the world’s best swimmers!”
CA Mandates Halloween Candy be Dispensensed via Potato Cannon to Prevent Illness
Reading Time: 2 minutes All candy will have to undergo a mandatory 14-day quarantine prior to consumption, unless it is used in peaceful protests during the November 3rd evening riots, in which case it is to be considered decontaminated via moral and ethical virtue washing.
Mike Pence to Undergo Brief Downtime for Personality Upgrade
Reading Time: 2 minutes Vice President Mike Pence is scheduled to have a brief downtime on Thursday as White House IT personnel install a personality app into his operating system.
California Mandates Restaurant-Goers Wear Horse Feeding Bags
Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Twin Category-5 Megariots Forecast if Trump Wins
Reading Time: 2 minutes Regardless of Biden and Harris’s landfall intensity, life-threatening highway stoppages and strong arson are likely over a large portion of the east coast, the west coast, and Chicago, as well as unsurvivable, rapidly-intensifying peaceful protests in Denver, CO and other metropolitan areas.
Democrats Counter-Nominate New, Improved Ruth Vader Ginsburg
Reading Time: < 1 minute Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer plan to bring back Ruth Bader Ginsburg, claiming Darth Vader was mostly machine, and the new Ruth Vader Ginsburg will have “very similar features.”
Appealing to Liberals, Trump Says He Fought the Trump Administration by Not Paying Taxes
Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, DC—President Donald Trump, long-suspected of not being an actual billionaire but rather just a poor person with a personal Boeing 757, has come under fire recently for paying taxes at the rate of a poor person.
Trump Says in Lieu of Taxes, He Got Mike Bloomberg to Inject $1B into US Economy
Reading Time: < 1 minute As people have rightfully pointed out, all Americans gleefully pay the legal maximum in taxes, and most even donate to the US government above and beyond.
Trump Says He Should Get “Underprecedented” Third Term
Reading Time: < 1 minute Trump has promised that he will use his third term to walk among the ashes of California. His second term, which starts in 2021, will “probably be used to attend Ancient Joe’s funeral, he is old, very old, maybe the oldest, even ever.”
Dems Commit to Court Packing by Making Literally EVERY Citizen a Justice
Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Trump Commits to Peaceful Transfer of Power to Himself as Forever-Ruler
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Biden Promises Free College in Exchange for 2 Years Public Service in Peace Corps, Antifa
Reading Time: 2 minutes Acknowledging that involvement increases investment, Joe Biden, running on the Harris-Biden ticket, has announced a plan to provide free college to all Americans—but there’s a catch.
Ginsburg’s Will Reveals She Bequeathed Seat to Granddaughter
Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”
Dem Scientists Look for Way to Detonate Yellowstone to “Just End It Already”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Following the announcement that President Trump will replace late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, progressive scientists across America are furiously researching ways to “just end it already.”
Millions of Trump Voters Suddenly Support Obama
Reading Time: 2 minutes Former VP Biden is currently claiming that he doesn’t even remember someone named Arack Osblama and that anyone who claims they’ve been seen together is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier for saying, you know, the thing.
dōTERRA Oil’s New “Essential Opioid” Line a Smash Hit with Newly-Homeschooling Moms
Reading Time: 2 minutes As 2020 rolled around, dōTERRA scientists realized that things needed to be kicked up a notch, because Essential Lavender just wasn’t cutting it for stressed-out Americans.
NFL Puts Quotes from Virtuous Victims on Helmets
Reading Time: < 1 minute There’s more to a person than just their name, and the NFL wants fans to make more of a connection with victims of police and vigilante brutality. Instead of only having the names of victims on their uniforms and helmets, NFL players will now have lists of quotable quotes and the hobbies and pastimes of the unfairly brutalized. “Smells like you’ve been with other men,” Drew Brees of the St….
“IT WAS A SETUP!” Pelosi Says After Smashing Truck into Liquor Store, Stealing Wine
Reading Time: 2 minutes Nancy Pelosi was set up multiple times in the course of only one day, offering further proof that the alt-right will go to any lengths to undermine righteousness.
USA, Other Lockdown Countries Vie for What Little Remains of Sweden
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s a shame that they didn’t listen to me,” said Dr. Fauci in one of his cherished telecons. “Where are they all to mock me now? Dead! In the ground, fertilizing plants. By the way, make sure you practice social distancing with your plants, they can spread coronavirus you know.”
Mitt Romney Dies, Reincarnates as Corporation
Reading Time: < 1 minute Having declared, “Corporations are people,” to much scorn and mockery from outraged liberals, Mitt Romney ended up on the right side of history today after dying in an auto accident and being instantly reincarnated as Raytheon.
Kamala Gently Walks Back Claim that Biden a Racist Sexual Predator
Reading Time: 2 minutes Having just been selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate, newly-minted VP candidate Kamala Harris is being forced to walk back claims that she made last year.
Biden Transition Team to Reverse-Lock, Camouflage Exits in White House
Reading Time: < 1 minute Already anticipating a landslide victory just like they had with Hillary Clinton, the Democrats are busy preparing for a Biden administration.
Christians: Netflix and Your Children
Reading Time: 3 minutes We should be nice to everyone, treating them with gentleness and respect, PERIOD. However, we also need to stand firm against moral decay. Netflix recently posted this thread about the damage of misgendering pre-pubescent kids:
Man Arrested After Peaceful Spousal Abuse Intensified
Reading Time: < 1 minute A 32-year old Portland man was arrested and released Saturday after a peaceful demonstration against spaghetti for dinner resulted in the hospitalization of his wife.