Category: Humor and Other Writings

Sometimes I amuse myself.

President Biden in Rose Garden with Ice Cream
Biden: People Will Regret Abortion Ban When Their Babies Starve to Death

Biden: People Will Regret Abortion Ban When Their Babies Starve to Death

Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”

white house replacing jen psaki ad
White House Seeking PR Expert Skilled in Policy Disasters, Nuclear War, Famine, Crack-Addict Children, & Dementia 

White House Seeking PR Expert Skilled in Policy Disasters, Nuclear War, Famine, Crack-Addict Children, & Dementia 

Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”

Necessary News Roundup, 5 March 2022

Necessary News Roundup, 5 March 2022

Reading Time: 4 minutes For too long, people have thought of the news as something designed to give them information. Wrong! News is created to tell you what to believe, sure, but most importantly, how to feel—and that’s where I come in! No ads, no hijinks, just factory-fresh news, straight from me, Lucas Necesito. So let’s get started with the past week’s events!

Taliban to Donate $30 Billion in Excess Arms, Lethal Aid to Ukraine

Taliban to Donate $30 Billion in Excess Arms, Lethal Aid to Ukraine

Reading Time: 2 minutes Meanwhile, President Biden is also sending an exorcist to check on the Ghost of Kyiv, which he described in a press conference as, “Yeah, c’mon man, it might be fighting for you now, but who knows what a ghost is thinking…gimme a break.”

White House Calls for Social Media Crackdown on Misinformation Until It Becomes Truth 6 Months Later

White House Calls for Social Media Crackdown on Misinformation Until It Becomes Truth 6 Months Later

Reading Time: < 1 minute “This centaur is spouting off misinformation on a daily basis, and it’s time that Spotify used their status as a private company to remove him from the face of the planet. No holds barred. There are still killers for hire, and we’ll look the other way,” Psaki told reporters.

Joel Osteen $600,000 Found in Walls Church Toilet
Joel Osteen Launches $600,000 GoFundMe for Church Toilet Repairs

Joel Osteen Launches $600,000 GoFundMe for Church Toilet Repairs

Reading Time: 2 minutes Osteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal sense.

Mayor Pete Amazon Special
Amazon’s Buttigieg Special to Feature Loving Look at How He Spent His 2-Month Vacation

Amazon’s Buttigieg Special to Feature Loving Look at How He Spent His 2-Month Vacation

Reading Time: 2 minutes Though lambasted by far-right extremists, Mayor Pete spent most of his vacation in Acapulco, his shirt off, lovingly nursing his brand new margarita the first hour, and then several hundred thereafter. Acapulco was a great place to relax, since it was one of the few places not dealing with a supply-chain crisis, because it wasn’t in America where the person responsible for such things was absent and on vacation.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Employee of the Year Award from Wuhan Lab
Dr. Fauci Wins Wuhan Lab’s Employee of the Year Award for 2nd Straight Year

Dr. Fauci Wins Wuhan Lab’s Employee of the Year Award for 2nd Straight Year

Reading Time: < 1 minute The Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.

Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer

Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer

Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head. 

USAF Reportedly Leaves $56 Billion Worth of Coffee Pots in Afghanistan

USAF Reportedly Leaves $56 Billion Worth of Coffee Pots in Afghanistan

Reading Time: < 1 minute The United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.

Scientists Discover Hottest Place On Planet Is Inside Your Tent The Second After Sun Comes Up

Scientists Discover Hottest Place On Planet Is Inside Your Tent The Second After Sun Comes Up

Reading Time: 2 minutes Boulder, CO—Scientists at the University of Colorado School of Geophysics have overturned a long-held world record for planetary heat here on Earth. While the record was previously held by Iran’s Lut Desert, it’s been definitively relegated into the realm of sweaty has-beens.