Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Former VP Biden is currently claiming that he doesn’t even remember someone named Arack Osblama and that anyone who claims they’ve been seen together is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier for saying, you know, the thing.
Reading Time: 2 minutes As 2020 rolled around, dōTERRA scientists realized that things needed to be kicked up a notch, because Essential Lavender just wasn’t cutting it for stressed-out Americans.
Reading Time: < 1 minute There’s more to a person than just their name, and the NFL wants fans to make more of a connection with victims of police and vigilante brutality. Instead of only having the names of victims on their uniforms and helmets, NFL players will now have lists of quotable quotes and the hobbies and pastimes of the unfairly brutalized. “Smells like you’ve been with other men,” Drew Brees of the St….
Reading Time: 2 minutes Nancy Pelosi was set up multiple times in the course of only one day, offering further proof that the alt-right will go to any lengths to undermine righteousness.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s a shame that they didn’t listen to me,” said Dr. Fauci in one of his cherished telecons. “Where are they all to mock me now? Dead! In the ground, fertilizing plants. By the way, make sure you practice social distancing with your plants, they can spread coronavirus you know.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Having declared, “Corporations are people,” to much scorn and mockery from outraged liberals, Mitt Romney ended up on the right side of history today after dying in an auto accident and being instantly reincarnated as Raytheon.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Having just been selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate, newly-minted VP candidate Kamala Harris is being forced to walk back claims that she made last year.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Already anticipating a landslide victory just like they had with Hillary Clinton, the Democrats are busy preparing for a Biden administration.
Reading Time: 3 minutes We should be nice to everyone, treating them with gentleness and respect, PERIOD. However, we also need to stand firm against moral decay. Netflix recently posted this thread about the damage of misgendering pre-pubescent kids:
Reading Time: < 1 minute A 32-year old Portland man was arrested and released Saturday after a peaceful demonstration against spaghetti for dinner resulted in the hospitalization of his wife.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Trump Caves on PDX, Gives Antifa City-Size Autonomous Zone at 46.253, -124.117
Reading Time: 2 minutes Rachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It was over in a flash,” Kingtaker tweeted. “We didn’t have time to think. From realizing he was on the far right, by my thumb, to beheaded, it couldn’t have been more than 9 hours. Adrenaline.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Unrelated to the unveiling, the city has also decided to abolish the entire police force.
Reading Time: 2 minutes George Soros has promised to have the building demolished if the protestors can’t manage it, though he says he’s been rethinking his tactic of leaving pallets of bricks everywhere, which “seem to just be making it bigger.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes History classes are being scrapped! The book is being issued across all departments to teach people how to control the present to control the past, and how to control the past to control the future.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Mark Nelson knows that there’s no God, but he’s been feverishly rooting through his copy of Black’s Law Dictionary “just in case.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Seeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, “Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Thankfully, MSNBC has told us that the only deadly violence in the CHAZ is very peaceful.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes The President had no choice but to cede territory to the powerful Antifa organization.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Research scientists have discovered problematic news: while we’ve always known that systemic racism has existed, a much uglier player is in this national game—namely, ugly people themselves.
Reading Time: 2 minutes News from the Centers for Disease Control, plus a proposal for an awkward political alliance.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Special correspondent A. Jones contributed to this report.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Researchers in Israel have found missing Biblical texts in an ancient manuscript collection, as well as carved into walls. While working in old caves near Gallilee, archaeologists were shocked to discover key parts of passages that they’d not seen before