White Supremacy Violence So Effective That Whites Need Not Even Be Involved
Reading Time: < 1 minute The data shows that the violence of white supremacy can occur even when the nearest white person is some 80 miles away.
Cooking Show “Chopped,” Chopped for Not Having Equality of Outcome
Reading Time: < 1 minute Chopped is being replaced by a new cooking show where the judges simply tell each other that no one dish is better or worse than the other and refuse further comment on the merits of the dishes.
Local 6-Year-Old Masters the Word “Impostor,” Uses It 600 Times a Day
Reading Time: < 1 minute A local 6-year-old girl has mastered the word “impostor” and now impresses her parents with it no less than 600 times per day, at a median decibel level of 87.
Banana Republics at Least Have Bananas
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Biden Administration Commits to Raising Only Free Range, Never-Caged Border Children
Reading Time: 2 minutes Facing blowback for policies at the border, the Biden administration has announced that it is uncaging thousands of migrant children.
Dr. Fauci Supports Consumption Of Ethically Harvested Small Businesses
Reading Time: 2 minutes “There’s nothing tastier than eating the bank account of a restaurateur who’s putting up a “PERMANENTLY CLOSED” sign,” he said with a chuckle and a smack of his lips. “Serve it up with a side of kids’ tears and you’ll have your new favorite dish.”
DC Comics Introduces New Villain, ‘Superspreader!’
Reading Time: < 1 minute Writers have hinted that the DC superheroes will try to put an end to the terrible, murderous menace by masking him up with at least two masks, as their leader Dr. Science S. Fauci recommends, “but it won’t go as well as they’d hope, and only 99.6% of them will survive.”
Biden Gets Nose Caught in White House Vacuum Trying to Sniff Hair in Rollers
Reading Time: < 1 minute Less than 12 hours into his tenure in the White House and President Joe Biden has suffered an adorable mishap that makes our hearts smile. While watching workers move in his items, he snagged a vacuum from a janitor and tried to sniff the hair in its rollers.
Nanochip in New COVID Vaccine Too Large to be Injected Safely
Reading Time: < 1 minute In a massive bungle between Moderna and Microsoft, the nanochip in the new COVID vaccine is far too large to be injected safely.
McConnell Says in Lieu of Extra COVID Relief, He Will Let Americans Smell His Pay Stub
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look, I know that people think money grows on trees, but we have to face the fact that it doesn’t. Congress has to work very hard to tax that money from you, and we can’t just go giving it back,” McConnell said.
Congress Says Stimulus 3.0 is Fun Carnival Games But Warns, “They are hard to win.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes “I get it, I get it. 2.0 had some problems. It wasn’t much fun for people. Americans want fun. Reading 5500-page stimulus bills isn’t fun at all, now is it? So we didn’t bother doing that, which is our way of leading by example. And here’s our next show of leadership,” Nadler said as he tossed a BB-gun to a confused reporter.
The Hospital Crisis Strikes Again
Reading Time: 6 minutes It’s disappointing to see that we are back in the “media scare stories about hospitals” stage. The good news is that, just like last time, this is simply not the case. The corporate press, which I believe is the enemy of the people, either has no idea what they are saying or are seeking to mislead. Let’s look into it all. Here we have: Hospitals in Idaho, Pennsylvania, Texas overwhelmed…
Prison Officials Drip Water on Ghislaine Maxwell Every 90 Seconds to Make Sure She Doesn’t Commit Suicide
Reading Time: < 1 minute Waking her up every 15 minutes might not work, so prison officials have gotten serious.
Americans Select Their Victors in 46th Quarter Quell
Reading Time: 3 minutes “Look, listen here,” Democrat, former Games volunteer Bernie Sanders told reporters. “Hey you, yah schmuck! We’ve had a lot of problems in this country, ain’t got enough bread lines, no joke. If we, mark my words, do not win the Games tonight, there will be hell to pay! We must embrace Cuban-style government. Great literacy program and some of the world’s best swimmers!”
CA Mandates Halloween Candy be Dispensensed via Potato Cannon to Prevent Illness
Reading Time: 2 minutes All candy will have to undergo a mandatory 14-day quarantine prior to consumption, unless it is used in peaceful protests during the November 3rd evening riots, in which case it is to be considered decontaminated via moral and ethical virtue washing.
Mike Pence to Undergo Brief Downtime for Personality Upgrade
Reading Time: 2 minutes Vice President Mike Pence is scheduled to have a brief downtime on Thursday as White House IT personnel install a personality app into his operating system.
California Mandates Restaurant-Goers Wear Horse Feeding Bags
Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Twin Category-5 Megariots Forecast if Trump Wins
Reading Time: 2 minutes Regardless of Biden and Harris’s landfall intensity, life-threatening highway stoppages and strong arson are likely over a large portion of the east coast, the west coast, and Chicago, as well as unsurvivable, rapidly-intensifying peaceful protests in Denver, CO and other metropolitan areas.
Democrats Counter-Nominate New, Improved Ruth Vader Ginsburg
Reading Time: < 1 minute Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer plan to bring back Ruth Bader Ginsburg, claiming Darth Vader was mostly machine, and the new Ruth Vader Ginsburg will have “very similar features.”
Appealing to Liberals, Trump Says He Fought the Trump Administration by Not Paying Taxes
Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, DC—President Donald Trump, long-suspected of not being an actual billionaire but rather just a poor person with a personal Boeing 757, has come under fire recently for paying taxes at the rate of a poor person.
Trump Says in Lieu of Taxes, He Got Mike Bloomberg to Inject $1B into US Economy
Reading Time: < 1 minute As people have rightfully pointed out, all Americans gleefully pay the legal maximum in taxes, and most even donate to the US government above and beyond.
Trump Says He Should Get “Underprecedented” Third Term
Reading Time: < 1 minute Trump has promised that he will use his third term to walk among the ashes of California. His second term, which starts in 2021, will “probably be used to attend Ancient Joe’s funeral, he is old, very old, maybe the oldest, even ever.”
Dems Commit to Court Packing by Making Literally EVERY Citizen a Justice
Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Trump Commits to Peaceful Transfer of Power to Himself as Forever-Ruler
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Biden Promises Free College in Exchange for 2 Years Public Service in Peace Corps, Antifa
Reading Time: 2 minutes Acknowledging that involvement increases investment, Joe Biden, running on the Harris-Biden ticket, has announced a plan to provide free college to all Americans—but there’s a catch.