Sometimes I amuse myself.
Reading Time: 2 minutesFollowing his Presidential pardon by Joe Biden for crimes he’s committed all the way back to 2014, Dr. Anthony Fauci’s mannerisms and actions have grown a bit much for some people, with many reporting that he’s “Just going hog wild,” and “Completely out of control.”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteFollowing a startling, increased-decibel event at a Trump rally, experts note a grave threat to our democracy remains ever present.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAddressing the World Economic Forum, Klaus Schwab promised that the Great Reset will lead to great things.
Reading Time: 2 minutesTensions at The Daily Wire have flared recently as long-time employee Candace Owens seems to have forgotten that she works for a neocon organization.
Reading Time: 2 minutesWith a record net profit of 43% this year, Goliath Industries, Inc. is excited to offer its 135,000 employees an affordable, new healthcare option this open season.
Reading Time: 2 minutesLunchbreaks are being eliminated to acclimate the workforce to the coming famine.
Reading Time: < 1 minute“Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThanks to Biden’s steady hand at the helm, nutritionists across America expect that the country’s obesity epidemic may be entirely over by the end of Biden’s first term in office.
Reading Time: 2 minutesJacobs, a political science PhD remote working for a non-profit in Aspen, is an expert on listening to experts. In fact, he said there’s no way to be certain that you’re right if you don’t agree with them.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn the past, society was been intolerant and bigoted, but this sprint was proof that equity was coming to all women, no matter how furry and fanged they might be.
Reading Time: 4 minutesFor too long, people have thought of the news as something designed to give them information. Wrong! News is created to tell you what to believe, sure, but most importantly, how to feel—and that’s where I come in! No ads, no hijinks, just factory-fresh news, straight from me, Lucas Necesito. So let’s get started with the past week’s events!
Reading Time: 2 minutesMeanwhile, President Biden is also sending an exorcist to check on the Ghost of Kyiv, which he described in a press conference as, “Yeah, c’mon man, it might be fighting for you now, but who knows what a ghost is thinking…gimme a break.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesDeranged religious cultists are once again spreading their intolerance and bigotry abroad.
Reading Time: < 1 minute“This centaur is spouting off misinformation on a daily basis, and it’s time that Spotify used their status as a private company to remove him from the face of the planet. No holds barred. There are still killers for hire, and we’ll look the other way,” Psaki told reporters.
Reading Time: 2 minutesOsteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal sense.
Reading Time: 2 minutesCheyenne, WY—John McCaye forgot for the second year in a row to change his profile picture on Veteran’s Day, and now he’s not getting the recognition that he deserves.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThough lambasted by far-right extremists, Mayor Pete spent most of his vacation in Acapulco, his shirt off, lovingly nursing his brand new margarita the first hour, and then several hundred thereafter. Acapulco was a great place to relax, since it was one of the few places not dealing with a supply-chain crisis, because it wasn’t in America where the person responsible for such things was absent and on vacation.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDr. Fauci is the model for the newest line of shampoo by Garnier. The novel formulation was partially produced in the Wuhan Labs and was extensively tested on live dogs, until they were dead dogs.
Reading Time: 2 minutesFresh off becoming a mega-millionaire as a humble public servant, Dr. Anthony Fauci is looking for more uses for his unique set of skills. And they won’t involve tedious coronaviruses from the Far East.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.
Reading Time: 3 minutes“There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Reading Time: 2 minutesBoulder, CO—Scientists at the University of Colorado School of Geophysics have overturned a long-held world record for planetary heat here on Earth. While the record was previously held by Iran’s Lut Desert, it’s been definitively relegated into the realm of sweaty has-beens.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe creators of the sci-fi horror flick, “The Bird Box,” have announced a sequel to the acclaimed movie, but this time you’ll be able to get a good look at the monsters.