In 2020 Blunder, USAF Deploys Nuclear Missile to Investigate Tropical Storm Laura

In 2020 Blunder, USAF Deploys Nuclear Missile to Investigate Tropical Storm Laura

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As the Gulf Coast prepares for the most exciting season on record, NOAA and the Air Force have been busy surveying tropical storms Marco and Laura with satellites, radars, and hurricane-hunter aircraft. Marco and Laura are currently scheduled to make landfall at the same time on the Gulf Coast next week. 

“We’ve never had two hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico at the same time, not in recorded history,” said NOAA forecaster Mark Beven in a zoom conference for reporters. “We’re very uncertain of what will happen, but if 2020 is anything to go on, we expect them to combine and form a hyperhurricane. It may help cool down the heat from Yellowstone, which geologists say is going erupt on Wednesday.”

Beven then explained that NOAA works in conjunction with the Air Force, and that investigating storms with hurricane-hunting aircraft is important to forecasters, as they can get the most accurate look at cloud tops and pressures. 

“We don’t know how the blunder happened, but someone accidentally launched a nuclear missile from Minot, ND, instead of the requisition we had in for TEAL 73, which is a specially-equipped C130 aircraft. While the nuclear missile was actually much faster in getting to the storm than the C130 would have been, we didn’t learn much from it,” Beven remarked over Zoom. “Anyway, don’t plan any vacations to St. Croix, because that doesn’t exist anymore.”

Forecasters are currently updating models to account for nuclear rain. Another hurricane-hunting aircraft, which was also in the area at the time, managed to get footage of the mishap. The video will be sold to CNN to raise funds for a new margarita machine. The last machine was stolen by a baby-snatching biker monkey.

The online teleconference ended somewhat abruptly as it was Zoom-bombed by Dr. Anthony Fauci, who made it clear that his dowsing rods predict a massive second wave of coronavirus, so everyone should still be giving him attention in order to stay safe. 

Air Force officials shrugged off questions regarding the nuclear annihilation of St. Croix, commenting only, “Well if you cut budgets, what do you expect? We already said that it won’t happen again.”

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