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Researchers in Israel have found missing Biblical texts in an ancient manuscript collection, as well as carved into walls. While working in old caves near Gallilee, archaeologists were shocked to discover key parts of passages that they’d not seen before. One such text was from a fragment of 1 Thessalonians. While for ages people had thought it said,

“For you yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so comes as a thief in the night.”

New, original documents revealed that part of the original line had been chopped off. The full text now revealed reads,

“For you yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so comes as a thief in the night in 2020.

“Look here,” shouted one archaeologist. “There’s more. Look at this fragment of Revelation 16. It looks like it says, ‘Behold, I am coming like a thief that comes upon a house in 2020! Blessed is the one who stays awake, keeping his garments on, that he may not go about naked and be seen exposed, as those without truth have done in the CHAZ.‘ That seems awfully specific. I wonder what it means? And another, here, in this parable, ‘No one knows the day or the hour in 2020.’ I don’t understand. So vague!”

Another section of Revelation called “The Great Whore of the District of Columbia” was also found, though everyone agreed that it was much too vague to glean any information from, even with some mentions of “Mark Esper,” whoever that is. Further apocalyptic writing seemed to be mostly gibberish and may have been added later, as it had unintelligible lines such as, “the heavens will be rolled back as a scroll, and all shall perish from the earth forevermore; the iPhone 12 shall not arrive before the end.”

Only one reference to Jesus returning to the sound of Trump/Pence was found, and textual criticists have said that it’s likely an interpolation. A further passage was uncovered which said, “In the end days, CNN will call evil good, and good evil.” It’s been discounted as being noteworthy. “It’s just a statement of fact…not really prophecy or anything,” said lead archaeologist Dr. James Monroe.

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