In this post:
- ➻ Introduction to Nord Dakota
- ⤑ Arrival: Sarah Eustace Lefore Bed and Respite
- ⤑ Accommodations and Interactions
- ➤ Conclusion and Rating
➻ Introduction to Nord Dakota
Many states have pleasant entry signs, with welcoming graphics and kind words on them. Entering North Dakota, there was a large, green sign that stated succinctly in all-white, block letters:
THE WEST REGION
I was driving along the interstate in need of a nap. The roads were terrible, as is typical of this west region, I suppose. I passed many semis napping along the side of the road, and eventually stopped in Dickinson, ND.
There, I stayed at Lefor Bed and Breakfast, which only had 1 star on average on Yelp, but was super cheap. The proprietrix listed the price as being $65/night, or a tank of gas, whichever cost more. I saw some pictures of the owner online, and she looked to be a right Helga, with big, scary man hairs, and many negative words being flung about, like written darts of anger and malice.
One reviewer said that she stole his dog. I don’t know if it was true. I imagine the animal was simply overcome by the snow when it was put out to use the restroom.
⤑ Arrival: Sarah Eustace Lefore Bed and Respite
Check-in was pretty painless. I pulled up and had a dedicated spot in the driveway. On the door was an artsy panel which simply read,
Sarah Eustace Lefore Bed and Respite
That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die
A note on the hostess: right off the bat, there were some incongruities. She variously spelled her name “Lefore” and “Lefor,” and sometimes listed her first name as “Jadis,” and heavens knows what that’s about. I even saw online that a few people called her “Hela,” which didn’t comport to any of the above.
The oddly-named hostess didn’t come out to offer a greeting, but when I rang the doorbell, she politely opened it and slapped me. With a coy wink, she said “That was a North Dakotan hello, eh pal” and then she struck me on the hand with a meat mallet, because she “saw a mosquito.” I found that unusual, since the temperature out was -137° Fahrenheit, but I guess all creatures fat and small must become hardy in such a harsh climate. (She seemed to be adapted for the bone-shattering cold by possessing a fine pelt across the entirety of her hirsute, 4’5″ frame.)
The propritrix introduced herself formally once I was in the door with my bag, but offered no assistance with the piece of luggage, other than kicking it and saying, “Sturdy enough.”
“I’m the White Wit—I’m Sarah,” she grumbled once we were fully inside. “Welcome to my humble abode. If you pee on the floor, I’ll whack off your wingdangdoodle. Dinner’s at 7, and I’ve got 14 varieties of pickles on the menu tonight, but you’re only allowed 4. If you see any fauns, let me know. Got a disobedient one on the loose…”
As a welcome gift, I was force-fed Turkish Delight, and she politely asked me if there was “anything, in this entire world, that your little heart may desire?” She then told me that there were certain discounts available at the time; if I sold her my brothers and sisters, she’d take 10% off the final bill, and apparently a lion of some sort had been harassing her, so if I could rid her of that, it’d be an extra 25% discount.
⤑ Accommodations and Interactions
Most of the interaction was perfunctory like that, though I had some difficulty in understanding her accent. Did I want to have a glass of “melk” with my “peckles?” It came in a “bayg, eh.”
She seemed to struggle with some vowels; the letter “o” in “code” took her about 5 seconds to fully enunciate while giving me wifi access.
“Here’s the kuhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOde, eh, dontcha be abusin’ it or I’ll get mighty “fehrce” (fierce?) onya with a queckness, I’ll tellya what.”
The bed itself was nice, and in a very pleasant little closet; on the website, this is listed as the “Valhalla Suite.” Well, it wasn’t a full-size bed by any means, but by curling into a circle, I could fit into it with the dog that I shared it with. Her bedroom, which she referred to as “The Hatchery,” was off-limits to me, but smelled like Taco John’s. I was at least given access to the back yard and a snowshovel, for any time that I had to use the restroom.
The proprietrix invited me to play a game with her on her XBOX, and I declined at first, but she scuttled over to a footlocker and brought back a whip from her “collection,” and compelled me to engage in the activity with her. (She also reminded me that she would still use the whip if I beat her at the game, so I lost every time.)
In the morning, I was given a delicious breakfast of lobster, peanuts, and eggs, which I was suspicious of at first, given that I’d said I was allergic to all of those items on the dietary requirements slip, but she again scurried over to that dang little footlocker, so I reluctantly ate the meal she’d prepared.
She herself ate out of a 50-gallon drum, filled to the brim with potato olés. During this period of feeding, she required that I hold her child. (The other child was older and did not require feeding, but smelled like mashed potatoes.)
Check-out was pretty smooth, as she simply shoved me out the door (having again bounded to the foot-locker, this time on all-fours, mouth agape, entirely naked, scooping leftover olés off the faux-wood laminate flooring with her 3-foot long tongue) which resulted in my temporary blindness and convulsions.
➤ Conclusion and Rating
I wasn’t sure how to feel about this stay. I didn’t get any novel diseases, which I count as being very valuable, but I did get a few old ones. I always factor that into the true cost of the accommodation, so the quoted $65/night increases quite a bit with that in play. While you’re allowed to use the restroom outside, the snow drifts make it hard, and she charges for the single-ply toilet paper by the square; I lost over 35 squares in the gale-force winds, and got frostbite on my buttocks.
On the plus side, I was never actually struck with a whip, and with coffee not being provided, waking up to find her standing over me with the braided one really gave me the kick of adrenaline I needed to get out of bed. (Well, along with her screaming, and then tackling and kicking me.)
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (5 stars)
Note: I was forced to rate this review sitting on the ground by the footlocker, while the proprietrix watched and twitched her whip.
- My scientific rating system. It doesn’t exactly apply to resorts, but you can get the gist.
- Beauty. There was very pretty snow.
- Lodging. Heating is provided in the closet for an additional fee, or you may snuggle the dog.
- Crowds. It was pretty quiet, but she will make you watch her scions.
- Location. Conveniently close to the interstate.