The constant tension wears you down. You’ve thought of ways to deal with it; to try and take your mind off of it. It’s still there, though, and it’s become like a constant, low-level adrenaline rush, frazzling your nerves and burning you out.
And deep, deep down, you know what’s wrong. You need to make changes in your life. You’ve been running from your bad habits—or more accurately, running from having to change them. Whatever it is—cheating, selfishness, excessive alcohol—the incredible effort of trying to sustain the burden of something that your soul knows is wrong…it’s wearing you down. Every day you go on, you pick up another boulder of burden and add it to your soul. You have a constant, low-level anxiety. You realize when you go to bed that you’re not as happy as you could be. When you wake up in the morning, it’s ok at first…but in a little bit, it’s back, in the back of your mind, and you realize to yourself, “I’m having a hard time living with who I am and what I’ve become.”
Today, relax. Yes, there are changes to be made, but you’ll deal with them the same way that you’d eat an elephant: a little bit at a time. It’s going to be ok. It may not feel like it in this very moment but God will redeem your pain if you will turn to Him. He knows what you’re going through and He will not leave you. He wants you to know that no matter how far you’ve walked away, you’re only one step away from turning back to Him.
Your situation may have taken you by surprise, but it is not a surprise to Him. He has already gone before you. Before you drew your first breath, He already knew how all of this would play out. He knows what you are capable of thinking and doing, what you have done and have wanted to do, and He still loves you.”But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
Don’t give up. You have no idea what incredible things God has in store for you. God has a plan for your life and His plans are always good. There is help for you, and I and many others would be honored and humbled to be there for you.
I love you, and God loves you.