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It’s time that we cancel Joel Osteen! I’m certain that I speak for everyone when I say, “Those teeth are the blinding violence of white supremacy: a type of privilege that needs to be stopped, and now.”

For too long we’ve ignored the systemic racism of dentistry. Osteen knows this, but do you hear him comment as he goes in for his weekly teeth cleaning and whitening? Do you hear him speak out about how white his teeth are? No. No, you do not. Because he’s too busy using the sun as some grotesque reflector, bouncing its blinding light off his purest of white skeletal bits, like some sort of high-powered, ranged weapon of structural oppression.

“Whiter than forgiven sins, whiter than snow,” he told his congregation about his most recent cleaning. “I won’t leave the dentist’s office until the radiant power of my teeth can drop a protestor at 500 paces. Watch as I roll back my lips as a scroll.” The front row of congregants was permanently blinded by the event.

This is literal violence, and it’s time that it’s stopped. It’s time that we ban Joel Osteen.


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