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Capital District, USA—The potential victors have been selected for America’s 46th Quarter Quell, and the Capital District is almost entirely boarded up.

“Look, listen here,” Democrat, former Games volunteer Bernie Sanders told reporters. “Hey you, yah schmuck! We’ve had a lot of problems in this country, ain’t got enough bread lines, no joke. If we, mark my words, do not win the Games tonight, there will be hell to pay! We must embrace Cuban-style government. Great literacy program and some of the world’s best swimmers!”

“Oh, or we’ll burn the place down,” the former contender added as an afterthought.

The nation is sharply divided over who should win, with the side that’s been burning it down for 9 months threatening to salt the ashes that remain if their player doesn’t emerge on top.

“I’m sick of fascists,” said a non-binary, transiently-polysexual two-spirit Portland Antifa member. “And that’s why I’m beating up this random woman on the street, because if you hate fascists you’ve got to learn to use brutality to get you way.” They then became a she momentarily before identifying instead as a deer and being hired by Twitch to be a community safety volunteer and banning all heterosexuals, whose lack of inclusivity in their sexual desires is rather proof that they’re Nazi bigots.

Candidate Kamala Harris reminded watchers that her name has a “com” sound like in “COMmunist,” not a “kam” sound like in “Marxist KAMpaign.” Her special talent has always been locking up minorities and training them to do things for her, like fighting wildfires, so she doesn’t plan to personally participate in the Games tonight, instead just releasing some person of color on death row, promising that if he wins and is victorious, he’ll still get to die later at the hands of the state after she suppresses exonerating evidence.

For his own part, current Victor Donald Trump is rushing back to the district after securing peace in the Middle East and also a glorious new Trump Tower in Abu Dhabi. He’s promising to fire the entire government should he survive the evening, which has made Libertarians very happy. He’s also vowed to shut down all Buffalo BatWings restaurants nationwide.

Aides are still looking for Joe Biden, who wandered off and is lost. Mike Pence has volunteered to help search for the errant nigh-octogenarian, promising to unleash his hounds in the rescue effort, though with some worries that they’ll get high on all the residual crack emanating from nearby Hunter Biden, who is searching as well, but for a lost laptop rather than for his father, and at the moment appears to be sniffing some sort of crack from a harlot’s butt, which he calls his “double-crack sniff trick”.

Americans in Democrat strongholds nationwide have boarded up all of their shops, fearing a Christian reprisal which will probably be launched out of Nebraska or some other flyover, backwater state that has a basket full of deplorables and total chumps who are ugly, lying, dog-faced pony soldiers, clinging to their guns and religion.

To maintain the impartiality of this publication—the only thing worse than being accused of spinning the news is being a dirty lib—we are wishing everyone the same thing: may the odds be forever in your favor.

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