Portland, OR—What started out as a peaceful burning of a city and beating of random people in cars took a nasty turn today. Having set five police officers on fire and beaten down an old lady with a skateboard, local Antifa members gathered for a group photo in the street.
Things quickly turned grim.
A group of masked vigilantes assembled in a line in front of their leader, who goes by the callsign “Kingtaker,” so that he could get a nice photo of his little justice league. He took the photo and then looked at it with intense suspicion. “No, no, that can’t be…”
Jeremy Brown, known by his codename “Stryker,” was on the far right in the photo. As if controlled by an unseen force, all of Brown’s compatriots’ heads swiveled to look at him.
“FAR RIGHT, FAR RIGHT,” bellowed Kingtaker! “Take Stryker out!”
The violence was immediate and severe as they beat him to the ground, and then kicked his head in, delivering racial justice. In retrospect, Kingtaker tells reporters that it was an anti-fascist reflex; that they didn’t even have time to think as they beat him senseless and got the necessary tools and supplies to build a guillotine, which they then used to behead the far-right lout.
“It was over in a flash,” Kingtaker tweeted. “We didn’t have time to think. From realizing he was on the far right, by my thumb, to beheaded, it couldn’t have been more than 9 hours. Adrenaline.”
Kingtaker was himself deposed and executed after members of his group of peaceful protestors overhead him ordering a “supreme” pizza, revealing that he hadn’t decolonized his culinary preferences.