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Beijing, China—Chinese President Xi Jinping spoke at a press conference yesterday to allay fears about a coronavirus comeback in the massive country. Reporters were anxious to know why a country with so few deaths saw a startling uptick in funeral urn sales.

“We are doing very well here, and no one has any fears. There is no—what did you call it? COUSA-19 virus? No, there is none of that here. We have no coronavirus. You should not listen to Americans. We did have some coronavirus, but it came from the USA, and we got rid of it. You can’t spell coronavirus without usa. A terrible thing, but there is none of that here. Not anymore,” President Xi Jinping said.


“Yes, we have sold a few more urns than usual, just over 105 million, but it is nothing unusual. Our country has 8-9 billion people, and we must tell the truth—we have too much money. Our trade it so good. The money is starting to pile up in the streets; it is flying through the air. It is clogging up gutters and sewers, and everyone is very rich. But it is taking up too much space, so we are cremating lots of it—in some areas of Wuhan, the money is 10-feet deep across entire streets, and dangerous to travel out in.”

“That is why there are so many urns. Citizens must burn the excess money and store it in small, convenient urns. Yes, some of them give the urns names, it is part of Chinese culture. Yes, some people call their urns “grandma” and “grandpa,” perhaps “revered ancestor,” there is no reason to ask questions about that. It is not suspicious at all.”

“What? No, the urns are not for Winnie the Pooh’s honey. Now we invite you, our guests, to a delicious brunch.”

Having finished his answer session, President Xi Jinping left reporters to state-provided meal of buffalo bat wings, braised pangolin, and Peppa Pig Honey Ham. Skewered ferret was also served, sandwiched between tasty morsels of rusty-spotted cat and proboscis of Proboscis monkey. Most popular with reporters, however, were the chopped up little birdies’ feet, fortified with foxbat meat, covered in deep-fried parakeet, and served with vulture eyeballs dipped in glue.

A World Health Organization official was on hand to support President Xi Jinping’s claims, though he couldn’t understand certain words, such as “Taiwan” and “Wuhan.” The WHO official said that the terrifying number of furnaces being built was also to help with the epidemic of money.

Chinese citizens have been ordered to stay in their houses and to wear masks, so that they don’t accidentally inhale any of the currency, which could choke and possibly kill them. When too many Chinese currency notes are inhaled, a distressing respiratory illness can occur.


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