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A campaign’s strength is largely ascertained based on the number and size of financial contributions that it receives. Reports of the hauls of treasure from peons are important in determining which candidate is best equipped to lead the nation, and can further fuel campaign donations. For the 4th quarter of 2019, the candidates who released numbers, or hinted at numbers, had the following totals:

Bernie Sanders: $34.5 million, up from $25.3 million. 1.8 million donations at an average of $18.53 per contribution. In a reported gaffe, one handler remarked on camera, “The number surprised even us—it’s enough to give us a heart attack.” In a quick attempt to divert attention from the misplaced words, the campaign staffer added, “We just mean that Bernie thinks that it’s so much that it’s probably immoral for one candidate to control so much wealth.”

Former Mayor and former Democrat Pete Buttigieg: $24.7 million, up from $19.1 million, thanks to winecasks full of conservative dollars. At a recent wine-cave event, Buttigieg let participants trample liberal ideals instead of grapes.

Joe Biden: Biden’s campaign has not yet released numbers for the most recent quarter, citing the fact that Biden has been working overtime on coming up with a plan to solve Y2K. Biden himself suggested that averting the millennial disaster is the sort thing that only a displaced coal miner might have the tech know-how to fix, using one of those new, 3-and-a-half inch floppies that can hold perhaps even 5 programs.

Update: Since the time of original publishing, Biden’s campaign released stats indicating that their 4th quarter totals were approximately $22.7 million dollars. The former VP seemed to be experiencing some confusion with which decade—and indeed, century—he was in, and described the amount as “more than the Rothschilds have,” and, “probably more than ol’ Johnny Rockefeller himself; heck it makes him look like a real dewdropper.”

Elizabeth Warren: Something over $17 million in white man’s money, and about a 30% drop from the previous quarter. When asked about why pundits were saying the economic regress in her campaign was a moribund sign, she responded, “Well, they’re just wrong.” Later, she clarified that she had “a plan for that.” When asked about said plan, she responded, “I’m with Bernie.” She then added that Bernie was illegally occupying indigenous land and oppressing her people.

Andrew Yang: $16.5 million up from $10 million, which the candidate attributed to “math” and possibly residual Joe Rogan Effect. He also suggested that his candidacy could be replaced by automation, as well as the office of the American president itself. After announcing his intentions to remove American troops from Syria and Central Asia, former nominee Hillary Clinton went on record as saying that “Yang has always had an unusual interest in the carrier Galactica, and our intelligence agencies aren’t blind to this fact.” She later commented that “it’s well known that he’s a Cylon agent.”

Tulsi Gabbard, known Russian asset: ₽3.4 million. Gabbard spent her time the last quarter voting “present” on impeachment as opposed to fund-raising, and also had to take time off to make up for her lagging continuing education credits in Dezinformatsiya. While the Kremlin requires at least 64 hours of CE every 2 years, Gabbard’s busy political cycle had her at a woeful 50 hours completed, with only 3 months to go. Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that students may be given extra leeway on such academic deadlines when they are excelling in their extracurriculars.

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All reporting is © Lucas Necessary, 2020. Formerly a longtime libertarian, Mr. Necessary is now a transliberal and foremost authority on problematic issues of neocolonialism in American politics, with a subset intersectionality focus in grievance studies.

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