Democratic Debate: $64 Billion Dollar Edition

Democratic Debate: $64 Billion Dollar Edition

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Charleston, SC—The combined net worth on stage at the Dem debate tonight is around $64,000,000,000, proving that they represent the common people, much as their skin color suggests. The debate will take place at 8 p.m. to 10:15 p.m. EST in Charleston, SC. Want to watch it?

Live stream this puppy online: Stream on CBSN via the video player above or across a number of devices, including Roku, Apple TV and Amazon Fire TV. You can also watch live on CBS All Access with a free trial. The debate will be live-streamed on TwitterFacebook and YouTube. You can also stream on FuboTV with a free trial.

The candidates are:

  • Former New York City Mayor Mike Bloombalrog
    ⤑ Probably just bought a new airplane.
    ⤑ Liked Donald Trump until he didn’t, as much as New Yorker can feel affection for another human being.
    ⤑ Personal word of wisdom from the inimitable Mr. Bloomberg, who is not paying for this, making it the one thing he’s not buying:

“If you want to be a success, just pee into a cup at your office chair. Don’t take bathroom breaks. And never look a gift horse-faced lesbian in the mouth.”

  • Former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg
    ⤑ Pete is very poor, which is unusual for a big-business Republican.
    ⤑ Somewhere between 98%-all African Americans can’t stand him, possibly because he tries to talk like Obama, who was only 1/2 as white.
    ⤑ Condescending conservative in sheep’s clothing.
    ⤑ He is most likely a fake gay.

  • Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren
    ⤑ Elizabeth Warren may not have found enough minorities to monetize quite early enough to get her a nod for the nomination, but it’s too early to tell. Personal slogan:

People said I just recently woke up, but I did that decades ago! #ElizawokeWarren

  • Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders
    ⤑ Dislikes include: Cubans being wrong about their opinions on Cuba, having to scold vicious Bernie Bros; the Democratic party as a whole. After a heart attack and at the age of 107, is still more together than Joe Biden.
    ⤑ Likes include: Color TV, which came out when he was 12.
    ⤑ Personal slogan:

“What can red do for you?”

  • Former Vice President Joe Biden
    ⤑ Was supposed to be put in cryogenic stasis a couple of decades ago, but some peon forgot and now it’s not worth saving.
    ⤑ Believes he is running against “Corn Pop.”
    Note: Joe Biden recently contracted coronavirus from sniffing too much hair, the only of the candidates to come down with the malady. His cognitive functions to not seem much different than baseline, which is to say, “alive but not trainable.”

  • Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar
    ⤑ Feisty!
    ⤑ Personal slogan:

“Sorry I can’t be perfect like all of you Goody Two-Shoes!” brandishes hair pick threateningly at a salad

  • Billionaire investor Tom Steyer
    ⤑ Has the face of an ermine.
    ⤑ A poor billionaire.
    ⤑ Likes include: owning ranches and fighting climate change by owning ranches.
    ⤑ Has no personal slogan, but always knows exactly which camera to look in with his pine marten eyes.

Will the debate be a bloodbath? Will the Red Tide of Bernie be stopped? Will Bloomberg have notched another NDA in his belt?

Share your comments, critiques, or criticisms here. [Please note that I alter most the hate comments to make them funnier for the other readers.]