Historians have been shocked to learn that, for hundreds of years, our reading of the Constitution has been incorrect, and even incomplete. For centuries, it turns out, our nation has been trying to operate under checks-and-balances, with little inconveniences like having Congress authorize military action abroad, instead of the Executive Branch just blowing anyone it feels like off the face of the planet, really being a buzzkill.
Dr. Darla B. Szymczak, a former historian with the Smithsonian and current White House historian documenting the current administration, gave us further details on these shocking discoveries via email. Some of her comments are below:
“We used to think that the Federalist Papers and the Constitution were Fake News, but we now have reason to like and embrace them.
We’ve read a lot of things wrong for literal centuries, which has really limited out ability to kill just whoever the heck we please. For example, take James Madison. In the Federalist Papers, we always just kinda skimmed through and thought he was some rambling lunatic going on about protecting Americans from their own government by not letting any portion of it have absolutely wild amounts of power. Can you imagine?
Upon further reading of these Federalist Papers, we’ve revised our opinion of James Madison. With our old, incorrect reading, he appeared to be a party-spoiling moron with half a brain cell, if that! But a more thorough analysis of his writings shows that he was actually probably a blast to have a microbrew or 3 with. Here is a sample of something he wrote that we’ve been misreading for literally ever!
“If men were angels, no government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty is this: You must first enable the government to control the governed—every tedious aspect of their lives, no matter how small ; and in the next place, never oblige it to control itself.”
Do you see what a difference that makes? We never before bothered to read what came after that em-dash, and we definitely missed the “never.”
Now, sure, we’d been moving away from this stupid view, anyhow. The National Defense Authorization Act basically lets us stir fry anyone who looks a little ethnic without all these checks-and-balances getting in the way. And we were already bringing peace to the Middle-East with laser-guided precision. Sure.
But now it’s no-holds barred. I mean, why use a drone when now we can just lob Tomahawks at anyone. Have a beard? Are you in transit? No, not anymore, because that portion of the airport is a smoking hole in the ground! We’ve seen how peaceful we can make that region in 18 years for a trillion dollars or two…imagine now that we can use unlimited trillions! It’ll be peace like Bethlehem on that starry night!”
At great length, Dr. Szymczak then went on to explain all of many things that we found wrong in the constitution, or rather that we just read wrong, obviously. For example, researchers were surprised to find that, at the end of Article I, right past, “The House of Representatives shall choose their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole Power of Impeachment,” is the intriguing line, which we emphasize for effect:
“The Representatives allocated above, shall in their honesty and with diligence, endeavor to make the trilateral government, which we are hereby establishing, into an all-devouring and Godlike monster of proportions beyond that which Cthulhu might even imagine, able to tax the mind and even the soul; to slay free beings at will and without fear of retribution, which in its terrifying might may make bold men crumble, women wail, dogs form into packs in the byways, and the blood of innocent weep from walls, both foreign and domestic.
In accordance with this solemn duty, the Representatives shall allow the Executive sole prerogative of war, and when able, encourage conflicts both explicitly and implicitly.”
The nation has responded with vociferous enthusiasm to the recent findings, with particular delight from the right. One of this writer’s own family members even commented, “I’ve never been so happy! Now we’ll really crush them. I don’t foresee anything bad happening from this when Democrats consolidate power in the future.”
Meanwhile, Ben Shapiro tweeted perhaps the most popular sentiment immediately after the announcement of the discovery:
While many on the left have been outraged at Trump for recently killing Iranian General Soleimani, and are worried that the recent discoveries could result in more, austere religious patriots being slain, there has also been tentative jubilation, with US presidential candidate Bernie Sanders calling on his followers to look at the silver-lining:
Meanwhile, the White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham tweeted out a succinct rebuttal to what President Trump was calling the “gnashing and wailing from the deranged left.”