Global Megacorp Excited Recession Will Make People Want Its Low-Paying Jobs
New York-Global Megacorp Services (GMS) has long been operating its facilities at minimum staffing, ensuring that its employees get plenty of overtime, which it touts as being more than enough to make up for the hourly pay, which is by far the lowest in the industry. An added bonus to the mandatory overtime is beneficial “space from family,” which are units of beings company psychologists say are not needed to have happy or fulfilling lives, and which, in the long run, “end up costing more than a divorce.”
In section Zoom meetings between managers and staff, the company recently addressed questions on the exceedingly low pay, lack of benefits of any kind, competitive tiger-pit promotions, and related, total inability to recruit new hires. After saying the Corporatism Creed, the pre-recorded message from CEO Murdoch Norwood-Stinson was hopeful:
“We know you’re all worked to the bone, and there’s good news: we got a waiver from our clients, and effective immediately, we’re going from lean manning to skeleton crews–no, no, don’t worry, not the type of skeleton crews we have you clean up after the tiger pits. For once, we’re cutting back on overtime. It’ll hurt your paycheck a little, but the good news is that all of our employees will now get to work alone! No more annoying coworkers trying to chitchat or whatever they do with you, which we know has only been reducing your efficiency and self-worth. This is an empowering move we’re happy to make, though we know some of you are slightly upset, and we encourage you to quit rather than making us fire you and pay unemployment.”
The message went on to assure all the workers that the skeleton manning wouldn’t be forever, of course. Said Norwood-Stinson,
“We’ve been making record profits, almost 29% year-over-year, even after paying for the hungry Siberian tigers! That profit allowed us to give you a 0.58% raise last month, which was 10 years in the making. But the raise didn’t attract new employees, the same as our recent campaign to feed all our workers free crickets and seed oils. Still, we promise this skeleton manning won’t last forever. A massive recession is around the corner, and then we’ll have people begging for our low-paying jobs.”
The employees were delighted to hear this, based on the open-feedback period where no one spoke ill, or said anything at all. One Zoom feed inadvertently focused on a tiger pit promotion challenge had to be muted due to screaming, but seemed unrelated to the feedback session.
The company is taking additional measures, such as installing tablets in all bathrooms, ensuring that employees can stay connected and working while on the can, some of which will have venomous snakes fed up into the toilet bowls at random intervals to make sure employees aren’t spending too much time pooping.
Lunchbreaks are being eliminated to acclimate the workforce to the coming famine, which should also cut down on venomous snake bites. $10 bonuses are being given to all employees who can fake being retarded just enough that the company can get a tax break. “You work here, so you’re halfway there to an easy Hamilton!” posters read throughout the buildings.
While many employees earn below the poverty-line for their areas, human resources has launched a free app that encourages car-pooling to save money. An additional program will set families up to “house-pool.”
Several C-suite jobs have also been added to analyze low-satisfaction rates among the workforce.
One thought on “Global Megacorp Excited Recession Will Make People Want Its Low-Paying Jobs”
Once again. Pure Gold!