Global Megacorp Excited Recession Will Make People Want Its Low-Paying Jobs
Reading Time: 2 minutes Lunchbreaks are being eliminated to acclimate the workforce to the coming famine.
Biden: People Will Regret Abortion Ban When Their Babies Starve to Death
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”
Nutritionists Expect American Obesity Epidemic to Be Over by End of Biden’s 1st Term
Reading Time: 2 minutes Thanks to Biden’s steady hand at the helm, nutritionists across America expect that the country’s obesity epidemic may be entirely over by the end of Biden’s first term in office.
Man from Country with Ministry of Truth Worried Russia Will Undermine Democracy
Reading Time: 2 minutes Jacobs, a political science PhD remote working for a non-profit in Aspen, is an expert on listening to experts. In fact, he said there’s no way to be certain that you’re right if you don’t agree with them.
White House Seeking PR Expert Skilled in Policy Disasters, Nuclear War, Famine, Crack-Addict Children, & Dementia
Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”
Cheetah Identifying as Human Female Dominates Women’s 400m
Reading Time: 2 minutes In the past, society was been intolerant and bigoted, but this sprint was proof that equity was coming to all women, no matter how furry and fanged they might be.
Necessary News Roundup, 5 March 2022
Reading Time: 4 minutes For too long, people have thought of the news as something designed to give them information. Wrong! News is created to tell you what to believe, sure, but most importantly, how to feel—and that’s where I come in! No ads, no hijinks, just factory-fresh news, straight from me, Lucas Necesito. So let’s get started with the past week’s events!
Taliban to Donate $30 Billion in Excess Arms, Lethal Aid to Ukraine
Reading Time: 2 minutes Meanwhile, President Biden is also sending an exorcist to check on the Ghost of Kyiv, which he described in a press conference as, “Yeah, c’mon man, it might be fighting for you now, but who knows what a ghost is thinking…gimme a break.”
Idiots in Hateful Sky-Daddy Cult Once Again Giving Free Disaster Relief to Poor People
Reading Time: 2 minutes Deranged religious cultists are once again spreading their intolerance and bigotry abroad.
White House Calls for Social Media Crackdown on Misinformation Until It Becomes Truth 6 Months Later
Reading Time: < 1 minute “This centaur is spouting off misinformation on a daily basis, and it’s time that Spotify used their status as a private company to remove him from the face of the planet. No holds barred. There are still killers for hire, and we’ll look the other way,” Psaki told reporters.
Joel Osteen Launches $600,000 GoFundMe for Church Toilet Repairs
Reading Time: 2 minutes Osteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal sense.
Absent-minded Veteran Forgets To Change Profile Pic To Military Uniform
Reading Time: 2 minutes Cheyenne, WY—John McCaye forgot for the second year in a row to change his profile picture on Veteran’s Day, and now he’s not getting the recognition that he deserves.
Amazon’s Buttigieg Special to Feature Loving Look at How He Spent His 2-Month Vacation
Reading Time: 2 minutes Though lambasted by far-right extremists, Mayor Pete spent most of his vacation in Acapulco, his shirt off, lovingly nursing his brand new margarita the first hour, and then several hundred thereafter. Acapulco was a great place to relax, since it was one of the few places not dealing with a supply-chain crisis, because it wasn’t in America where the person responsible for such things was absent and on vacation.
Garnier Releases New Fauci-Line of Shampoo Exclusively Tested on Live Dogs
Reading Time: < 1 minute Dr. Fauci is the model for the newest line of shampoo by Garnier. The novel formulation was partially produced in the Wuhan Labs and was extensively tested on live dogs, until they were dead dogs.
Fauci Cuts Wuhan Lab Funding, Will Crowdfund Next Supervirus Instead
Reading Time: 2 minutes Fresh off becoming a mega-millionaire as a humble public servant, Dr. Anthony Fauci is looking for more uses for his unique set of skills. And they won’t involve tedious coronaviruses from the Far East.
Dr. Fauci Wins Wuhan Lab’s Employee of the Year Award for 2nd Straight Year
Reading Time: < 1 minute The Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.
Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer
Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.
USAF Reportedly Leaves $56 Billion Worth of Coffee Pots in Afghanistan
Reading Time: < 1 minute The United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Scientists Discover Hottest Place On Planet Is Inside Your Tent The Second After Sun Comes Up
Reading Time: 2 minutes Boulder, CO—Scientists at the University of Colorado School of Geophysics have overturned a long-held world record for planetary heat here on Earth. While the record was previously held by Iran’s Lut Desert, it’s been definitively relegated into the realm of sweaty has-beens.
Bird Box Monsters That Cause You to Suicide Yourself Revealed to Just be The Clintons
Reading Time: < 1 minute The creators of the sci-fi horror flick, “The Bird Box,” have announced a sequel to the acclaimed movie, but this time you’ll be able to get a good look at the monsters.
Man Who Thinks He Should Determine How and Where People Should Live Swears He Would Never Have Been a Slave Owner
Reading Time: < 1 minute “Just let them leave?” Harris spluttered. “Like live their own lives without our control? I hate them, but we can’t do that—their land is valuable, you hicks!”
Woman Wants Specific Gift for Mother’s Day and Also It Must Be a Total Surprise
Reading Time: < 1 minute Conyers, GA—Local mother Julie Andrews is overjoyed to see what her husband gets her for Mother’s Day, and she expressed that sentiment abundantly during our interview with her.
Chaos Erupts at School Board Meeting as Mother of 3 Forgets to Use Pronouns
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Out, out!” screamed Mx. Still. “I don’t know what alien gender you are, but on this planet, we give our pronouns so that we don’t make other people uncomfortable!”
CIA to Use Socially-Acceptable Clinton Predator Drone on US Soil
Reading Time: 2 minutes Looking to prevent another unarmed insurrection where the only people killed are defenseless women, the CIA has announced that it will begin using Predator drones over the US landmass.
White Supremacy Violence So Effective That Whites Need Not Even Be Involved
Reading Time: < 1 minute The data shows that the violence of white supremacy can occur even when the nearest white person is some 80 miles away.