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Washington, DC—Following the advice of his newest minority Cabinet Member, Dr. D. Vader, President Trump has announced that he is opposed to defunding police departments across the United States. Although a movement has erupted demanding that community solutions be implemented in place of longtime law enforcement agencies, the White House is strongly against the effort. In a speech in the Rose Garden, Mr. Trump addressed the nation.

“The call to remove our beautiful law enforcement agencies, which are the best in the world, and maybe the best that has been, even ever, is not just a tragedy, but an outrage. I have been telling local, state, and federal officials that they need to dominate the streets, and now they will. Starting now, AT-ATs will be supplied to all law enforcement agencies nationwide. That is all.”

In the background, an AT-AT thundered by, pacifying protesters with peaceful blasts from its ionizing laser canons, each of which can produce 2 gigawatts of mob-dispersing power per shot.

Trump’s newest head of Homeland Security, Mr. Palpatine, said that his former connections with Raytheon have allowed the government to acquire the troop carriers for, “A very good price, and we’ve got something much, much better than this in the works. Say, I thought that the moon wasn’t supposed to be visible today,” he said while winking playfully and nodding his head toward the sky. He also remarked that protesters should have been armed with more than just their misguided senses of moral outrage.

Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment as she was busy sourcing kente cloth for her next stage appearance. She recently vowed to fight for Wakanda, to great Democratic enthusiasm.

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