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In response to fears of WWIII by rapidly melting snowflakes, President Donald Trump is hosting a live, weaponsfire-side chat with the nation this coming Friday, scheduled for 9PM EST, in which he’ll discuss the nation’s plans to build a very large glass factory there. In a speech about the upcoming speech, Mr. Trump said from the Oval Office,

I understand that many on the left, who are sissies, dogs, slobs, disgusting animals…and I assume some are good people…many of them are very, very scared about World War III breaking out. And they are fussing, fussing like little babies, it’s shameful, really.

Now those fears are unfounded. I have specifically said that I would be willing to attack cultural targets, not military targets, and they have a backward culture anyway, so I imagine that most of the targets will be goat herds, or something, probably. Although they do have some very pretty women, and trust me, I’ve hosted competitions with very pretty gals, even the prettiest women, and I want to preserve those people. And their women are not fat, disgusting pigs, like Rosie O’Donnell, but maybe some would say they could wear less clothes, and I say that with respect, and it would make Iran great again.

Now I want to let you know, that as a sign of our peaceful intentions, we are going to be installing a glass factory in Iran, and my top military advisers are helping me with the plan as we speak, and we are even going to pay for the shipping. And it will be the prettiest glass factory ever, and very huge, and it will even be so pretty that you won’t want to walk on it, or even look at it while it’s being installed, that’s what they tell me.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wanting to know more, and it’s very exciting, and I’ll be giving those details during an upcoming chat.

Thank you.

Trumps says that the factory will be shipped quite quickly via air freight, at an expected 17,000 MPH. It will depart Minot, ND sometime in the next two weeks.

While the US won’t be accepting returns, the Pentagon says that they do not anticipate such a request, and in expect to receive glowing reviews.

The route of shipping that the new factory is expected to take. Mr. Trump plans to deliver on same-day shipping.

UPDATE: Since the time of publishing, a source who has asked to remain anonymous has reported that President Trump has ordered Santana’s Smooth, featuring Rob Thomas, be played in the Situation Room during the delivery of the new factory.

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