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The United States of America, long a leader in troop deaths in never-ending wars, has become a laughing stock among nations in the past years as it has sought to draw-down troop numbers and conflicts. This has resulted in less patriotic bloodshed, and also less dead war heroes, which the nation values.

“It’s really sad,” commented Stephanie Grisham, the White House Press Secretary. “We don’t give Obama enough credit for really churning out the bodies in Central Asia and even a bit in the Middle East, which was the Hope and Change that America truly hungered for, along of course with drone strikes and keeping GTMO open.

Most Americans agree that, as much as she was loathed, it just seems like we retired Hillary ‘World-War-III-Machine’ Clinton a bit too early. She was really good at advocating that we depose foreign dictators, stomp around in Syria, and generally waste lives. Heck, she even had a good chuckle by wasting lives in Benghazi, though for some reason some folks didn’t like people dying in that case. She once even said, ‘You know what I’d feel if I had to witness those folks in Benghazi dying? Nothing. Nothing at all.’ And that’s really the sort of value that Americans want to see placed on the lives of service members, when you think about it.”

With the drought of posthumously-recognized American war heroes, the nation has been delighted to learn that an untapped and potentially never-ending supply of the valuable resource has been found in Iran, and with any luck, maybe even Iraq again, too.

“The main worry has always been that peace will break out any time we assassinate foreign generals from countries that we’re not at war with, or invade multiple countries in the Middle East and Asia, but let’s learn from history here,” well-known conservative Michelle Malkin wrote.

“Historically, our worries about a violent eruption of peace are unfounded. What did Vietnam teach us? What did the Russians teach us from their foray in Afghanistan? What did we learn from our time in the very same country? I keep telling everyone, ‘Settle down, America. We’re not going to suddenly run out of Medal of Honor recipients. Not as long as Iraq is still our 51st state.”

The Libertarian Mises Institute, known for advocating things which are disturbingly anti-American (such as abandoning our dreams of Manifest Destiny, having a balanced budget, and not crashing around countries half a world away while murdering people, like an enraged bull elephant in a china shop), has been skeptical of this newfound resource. While we won’t quote the propaganda in its full length here, their latest hit-piece on patriotism included such lines as, “The United States isn’t located in the Middle East, but there we are,” and, “Congress should probably debate war, rather than wildly cheer it on.” Meanwhile, at Reason Magazine, Matt Welch, a likely Communist, commented, “A humble and prudent foreign policy begins with recognizing the fog of war—and rejecting the dangerous paths of obedient belief and premature omniscience,” and then attempted to lecture everyone on all of these “unintended consequences” that keep allegedly cropping up.

While America has never come to out-and-out blows with Iran, we have kept them warm on the back-burner, which is very prudent of us. As a very brief and incomplete history, we’ve set them to simmer for quite some time by:

  • Having a fun CIA coup that toppled Mossadegh in 1953. He was a secular person instead of a religious loon, so it was best to get rid of him.
  • Backing Saddam’s war on Iran in 1980—and we got a two-for-one out of that deal, which we might be parlaying into three!
  • Shooting down Iran Flight 655, killing all 290 civilians onboard, including 66 jihadist kids…oops, our bad, goatlickers!
  • Imposing some wild sanctions that are really for Iran’s best interests.

But tapping into this supply of glory for our country is still uncertain. There are peacemongers on the left, like known Russian asset Tulsi Gabbard, and on the center, such as traitor Justin Amash. Worse yet are the “et tu, Brutes,” among us, represented on the right by the wimpy likes of Rand “Oh-No-You-Just-Killed-Diplomacy” Paul (who, we might add, can’t even defend himself from a liberal while he’s gardening). Paul blubbered on Fox News with Neil Cavuto,

“I think without a declaration of war, without Congress and the American people behind it, what you get is a messy mission. You get a mission of escalating intermittent violence. The president said he didn’t want perpetual war in the Middle East. But he’s adding more and more troops. If you don’t want perpetual war, you don’t keep sending more targets over there.”

Total lemons like Paul hearken back to that idiot pacifist, general, and president, Eisenhower, wailing about a nation that becomes a military industrial complex, with a system of inculcated thought and brainwashing, which delights in never-ending wars, and creates a populace that is taught to cheer on violence without looking at what’s going on in the background to make American bloodshed seem so delicious. When will people like him ever learn?

In this author’s considered opinion, trying to get such people to see reason is a losing proposition. You might as well try to house-train an earwig.

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