Lakewood, Texas—Rocketing into the sky in his Gulfstream G700 private jet, Pastor Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church began his flyover of the pandemic stricken United States.
“Wow, look at that,” he said staring out the large windows of his airplane at 47,000 feet. “Those houses look so tiny! Huh? No, not from up here, I just mean that the people living in them must be really poor, like those are small houses. What do you think they make? Probably less than $500K, right?”
The mega-pastor of the mega-church conducted his flyover as a kickstarter for his “Mega-COVID Relief Fund,” which is also on Kickstarter, in addition to GoFundMe and Facebook Charity, all of which he controls directly and with the help of God.
Osteen said that the only thing to cure those stricken with coronavirus is the laying on of hands on money, and God really wants us all to donate. He’s courageously leading the way by selfless giving what he describes as “countless, literally countless” prayers.
Osteen has also offered practical tips on avoiding the disease. He recommends increasing the number of manservants and household staff as soon as possible, and breaking the servants into 14 or more groups; each group can then be quarantined for 14 days prior to their assigned labor day. “Rinse and repeat,” he said with a brilliant smile before adding, “And could you please not make direct eye contact with me? I know that God and I both love you, but I just don’t like the audacity.”
He then tried to get a nap in, but found that one of his onboard pillows hadn’t been stuffed with enough fresh cash, and told his butler to make a note to fire whoever was responsible for the egregious error, which was, in his exact words, “a sin in both the eyes of God and myself.”