Johns Hopkins—Research scientists have discovered problematic news: while we’ve always known that systemic racism has existed, a much uglier player is in this national game—namely, ugly people themselves.
Well, plus also those who are just socially awkward.
Researchers have found that the ugly and socially awkward are less likely to get raises and promotions…if they’re even hired at all. They’re also less likely to find mates or have friends, and more likely to feel “crushing despair,” at least according to the meta-analysis conducted on people who “are just really dang goofy” and “need to wear bags over their personalities, not just their heads.”
“These miserable nobodies can’t get a break,” said Dr. Ezra Steinhemper of JHU. “But nature seems to have made them that way, so that it’s really hard to WANT them to get a break. Look at this worthless S-O-B,” he said, holding up a picture of a man with a poorly crossed out caption beneath it that said, “Logan Netherberry.”
“Do you see this? Real honker of a nose, and it’s crooked to boot. His feet look like those of some grotesque clown, and he’s 5’9″ tall—what sort of person wants that for a friend? Lumpy face like a poorly made bowl of mashed potatoes, teeth that don’t fit, and skin so white that you want him to be dead, rather than just look it. No wonder he doesn’t have friends, but we wonder: is his lack of friends from his bad personality? Did he develop the bad personality after failing to socialize secondary to being so ugly? It’s a real chicken-and-egg scenario. But look at him! No one wins with this ugly guy free to roam.”
Scientists have pointed out that there are many more people like the man described above. No amount of privilege can overcome these flaws, the JHU paper concludes. Thankfully, no one is really outraged at their mistreatment, but a number of academics have written proposals to have them all rounded up and placed in some sort of ugly-person camps, like we used to do with loathsome lepers.
Like this news? See other research: Should We Get Rid of Gingers?