New Haven, Connecticut—Previous reports that Yale was canceling its “Intro to Art” course over a problematic focus on straight, white men, may not have adequately stated the depths of the turmoil in the university.
After realizing that many figures in European history and European art were unfortunately straight, white, and full of privilege (along with a total lack of inclusiveness for the trans community), the student body revolted against the admittedly revolting course, and then turned its investigative power on itself.
Student body president Kristi Daler, recently horrified to discover that she was heterosexual, said that she had a deep uneasiness in her stomach at the cancellation of the Intro to Art Course.
“I asked myself…if these male European artists, armed with the violence of their heterosexuality, were infesting art—could they have some connection to the college?” Kristi Daler, the student body president asked in an interview. “Well, not them specifically, but could they have like, you know, people like them, have sailed over here? Have had a hand in this university? Maybe the whole thing is some sort of Christian conspiracy like the Da Vinci Code!”
After doing a little snooping in between attending peaceful Antifa rallies and making Molotov cocktails (an unrelated hobby), she and other students found to great revulsion that the university was founded by actual straight, white men.
“Obviously we didn’t go far enough in canceling the art class,” Daler said. “The rot is deep.”
Out of a deep respect for the students, Yale administrators have agreed to cancel the university entirely. “Only in total silence are we truly free to speak,” said Dean of Students Karissa Starr, referencing free speech, an outdated, neo-colonialist concept which has no place in modern society.
Daler, for her part, is currently trying to transition into a different skin color, as she was AWAB (assigned white at birth), but has herself never identified as having too much white privilege, a fact evidenced by her having to attend a racist, second-tier school like Yale.
Daler was last seen swiping lazily on Tinder, muttering, “I’m a heterosexual woman who’s politically opposed to heterosexuality. Who do I date?” A nearby friend piped up with a point of personal privilege, screeching, “Heterosexuality is a hoax! Your genital preferences are transphobic!”