Ben Shapiro to Replace Candace Owens with Barabbas
Nashville, TN—Tensions at The Daily Wire have flared recently as long-time employee Candace Owens seems to have forgotten that she works for a neocon organization. In recent weeks, Owens has foolishly decried the slaughter of any and all innocents in the Middle East, a position found most disturbing by her boss, Ben Shapiro.
The hullaballoo recently boiled over into Elon Musk’s social media site, X. Mr. Shapiro has been typing furiously at 400 words-per-minute, letting the world know that he vehemently dislikes his employee. Most notably, Mr. Shapiro publicly excoriated Owens, letting her know that if she agrees with a Bible verse about not serving God over money, she absolutely shouldn’t be working for him.
In an interview with press, Mr. Shapiro stated that he can’t contractually fire her, so he’s hoping that some religious discrimination can get her to resign.
“I’ve learned my lesson, and never again will I hire a non-Zionist Christian, because if you’re not Israel-first, you’re America-last!” said Shapiro with his lips moving so quickly that his lower face was a blur. “Listen, facts don’t care about your feelings, and at the Daily Wire, we serve both God and Mammon, and uh also Raytheon.”
Regardless of the outcome, Shapiro says that he’s fully prepared to drag her before the Sanhedrin, and if that still doesn’t work, he’s hoping to remove her from the website and replace her with his newest employee, Barabbas. Barabbas has himself stated that he’s “100% onboard with Ben’s vision,” and claims that he’ll “absolutely kill” if he gets the new position. His LinkedIn indicates that he has already been killing for quite some time.
If Owens resigns, Shapiro has promised to donate the money saved by her departure to ensuring that no one investigates why Benjamin Netanyahu supported Hamas or how the world’s most surveilled area on earth was able to launch a massive, Max Max style attack using paragliders without the globe’s top intelligence agency being any the wiser. A small percentage will also be donated to Nikki Haley, and $20,000 will be allocated toward developing a Daily Wire mascot modeled after a Joint Direct Attack Munition (JDAM) BLU-109 bomb.
Legal experts have said that while it seems as if Candace Owens could claim a hostile work environment over the ordeal, recently consultation with AIPAC and the ADL have determined such beliefs to be hate crimes.
There has been some pushback over Mr. Shapiro’s methods, and he is fully prepared to debate any college freshman about it.
