Charlotte, NC—With a record net profit of 43% this year, Goliath Industries, Inc. is excited to offer its 135,000 employees an affordable, new healthcare option this open season.
“We have always been proud to offer our employees great healthcare options, starting with bronze plans that are very manageable if the employee simply sets aside 68% of their net income. This open season, we are excited to announce a new partnership with Cigna and GoFundMe which will significantly reduce financial burdens for all employees,” said CFO Richard Retch in a press release.
Recognizing the increased financial burdens some employees have been grousing about—with many alleging significant increases in fuel, housing, and food, though our independent fact-checks have determined these claims to be misleading—the company is offering a new health insurance plan starting at only $248/person per pay period. Under the new plan, if an employee becomes ill or injured, Goliath Industries will work with Cigna and GoFundMe to craft a bespoke email urging all employees of the company to give what they can to help the individual in need. GoFundMe will take a 30% administration fee and give the rest to the sick or hurt individual. Accidents from risky behaviors such as skiing or swimming will not be covered, nor will illnesses potentially caused by eating too much animal protein, such as cancer, diabetes, COPD, and heart attacks.
The donations will be subject to a new tax regulation to be implemented by the IRS which will mean that the employee has to count them as income, though the tax rate for the donations will be capped at only 33%. GoFundMe reserves the right to withhold any funds found to be supporting conservatives or other far-right, potential domestic violent extremists, and a screening process of the employee’s social media will be used to ensure that the healthcare funding campaign does not threaten national security.