California—An emergency decree from Gavin Newsom’s health department is going to keep residents of the state safe tonight from the dreaded coronavirus. In a speech, Governor Newsom detailed requirements that must be met in order for the spooky holiday to happen.
“Masks, people, obviously. Kids are not allowed in groups of more than one, and only one child from each family can go trick-or-treating. No MAGA hats. All candy must be dispensed via potato cannon at a distance of 6 paces. Candy can’t be self-serve but it also can’t be in plastic bags.”
Newsom went on to remind people that there are of course safety regulations regarding the potato cannons, too.
“Remember to limit your launchers to non-automatic fire,” he told reporters. “Launchers cannot fire more than ten rounds from the magazine or it’s straight to jail to become a firefighting slave. The rate of fire cannot exceed 2000 pieces per minute, so if you’re firing Skittles or Reeses Pieces that’s going to go by really fast and if we catch you exceeding the limit, it’s straight jail. Oh, and all launchers must be registered three years prior, or—say it with me—it’s straight to jail. And there is a 24-month waiting period to use them. If you gripe about that you can just shotgun the candy, because shotguns seem to only be useful for hunting and they don’t look scary, so yeah you can use those anytime you want. If you use masks while using the launchers that’s also a crime because it’s threatening, but if you don’t, it’s a crime because it’s threatening, so think long and hard about this. We’re just doing it all for science.”
The emergency order will preserve the lives of untold millions of citizens. Newsom will also be requiring a temperature check be completed on every trick-or-treater at each house they stop at, and the thermometer must be contactless. All candy will have to undergo a mandatory 14-day quarantine prior to consumption, unless it is used in peaceful protests during the November 3rd evening riots, in which case it is to be considered decontaminated via moral and ethical virtue washing.
Correspondent T.R. Wester contributed to this report.