Former Libertarian presidential candidate Jo Jorgensen went on Bret Weinstein’s Dark Horse podcast recently and it was a bit gruesome for those listening or—heaven forbid—watching. The two discussed Dr. Weinstein’s exit from academia, his departure from the illiberal left, which attempted to crucify him for not being willing to crucify himself, and a number of other exciting topics, such as animal nomenclature. Many are saying that Jorgensen had a rough time during the event, though.
“So you ran as the head of the Libertarian ticket, Dr. Jorgensen,” Bret said as an introduction. “Can you explain more about that?”
“Sure, Bret. We’re all about liberty as Libertarians, which means that we believe in a lot of things. That’s why our symbol isn’t a donkey or an elephant, but a hedgehog,” Jorgensen replied.
“Oops, I think you mean that your party’s mascot is a porcupine, Jo,” Bret corrected.
“Exactly, our party uses a hedgepine as its mascot, a symbol that we aren’t to be tickled or groped. But you know who does grope? Dave Smith. Well, that’s what was reported to me, at least. Do you have some Xanax and alcohol? I’m feeling a little too sharp today.”
“Well moving on, why did you support an organization that embraces Marxism?”
Jorgensen nervously scratched her nose. “Well uh, that was a bad look, I admit. I didn’t mean that I support Marxism all the way, just that Ken had some good ideas,” she said.
Bret looked confused. “Ken?”
“Yeah, Ken Marx, you know, like Josef Stalling and Vladimir Denim’s mentor or something,” Jo sputtered, before anxiously taking a hedgehog out of her purse and wiping sweat from her brow with it. “AGH! This porcuhog made me bleed! Not soft at all! I bet Dave Smith put it in there!”
“That’s a hedgehog,” Bret said, looking intensely bemused. “Why do you have a hedgehog in your purse?”
“Well that’s a libertarian ideal, Bret. A hodgeporky in every purse and a means from each to his according to.”
“Are you alright?” Bret questioned with mounting worry while googling, “signs of a stroke” on his laptop. “Ok, look, so we know that you said that anyone who doesn’t support collectivism is racist and that you support Marxism, but what are your feelings on the non-aggression principle?”
“Non-aggression principle? Oh, yeah, we shouldn’t have cops. Unless they’re going to bust Dave Smith for his jokes. That’s literal violence.”
“Ok Jo, but what about other subjects, like abortion? Many Libertarians don’t like abortion, but you support it. How is that consistent with the NAP—the non-aggression principle—that libertarians hold to so strongly?”
“Hey look Bret, have you ever dropped a baby on a full-grown hogpine? Flat-out kills them, and that’s what our mascot stands for, killing babies.”
“Well that seems inconsistent to me,” Bret sighed as Jorgensen pulled out a jar with a preserved fetus in it. “Oh gross, why do you have a dead baby in your purse?”
“Look, it’s not enough to be not-not a baby killer. You have to be anti-anti baby-killing. So killing them is a hobby I took up,” Jorgensen said.
“Ok, well this interview is over, folks,” Dr. Weinstein replied. “I’m going to leave America to you all, but Heather and I will be moving back to the Amazon. Cheers.”
Moments after the interview ended, Nick Sarwark broke through the door screaming, “JO! YOU WENT OFF-SCRIPT! I TOLD YOU NO HEDGEHOG TALK!”