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Looking to prevent another unarmed insurrection where the only people killed are defenseless women, the CIA has announced that it will begin using Predator drones over the US landmass. The domestic drones will be used to follow, analyze, and sometimes terminate anything that wears a red hat or is seen with conservative bumper stickers.

“Unlike previous drones, this one is well-embraced by the media,” said CIA analyst Jeff Jones. “We knew after the incident on January 6th that we needed a drone that can stop females, and this puppy—codenamed “Clinton,” but many of us just call it Bill—can get right up close and personal to pretty much any woman, even the very young ones. Doesn’t even cause a stir. But some people have complained that its optical sensor suite is “too lifelike.””

The Clinton Predator Drone with optical sensor suite.

The drone specializes in tracking down Air Force veterans and women and is slated to begin operations next week. A software flaw that leads it to prey on interns and underage girls is currently being fixed, according to sources who asked to remain anonymous.

A special Reaper model of drone, codenamed Hilladrone, is being developed to eliminate insider threats who show signs of disloyalty to the cause. It will also be assigned to follow known, Russian asset Tulsi Gabbard. Instead of being armed with Hellfire missiles, it will typically use the target’s own firearm at close range, targeting the back of the head. A slight niggle that causes it to try to go to war with Syria is being rectified with an estimated fix-date of early May.

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