Following immense pushback after passing Stimulus 2.0—in which Americans were given $600 of the money that was taxed from them while they were benevolently made jobless—Congress immediately announced that they would pass a Stimulus 3.0 to “fix the minor flaws and niggles with the previous stimulus.”
House Representative Jerry Nadler (D, NY) said that he sympathized with the outraged Americans.
“I get it, I get it. 2.0 had some problems. It wasn’t much fun for people. Americans want fun. Reading 5500-page stimulus bills isn’t fun at all, now is it? So we didn’t bother doing that, which is our way of leading by example. And here’s our next show of leadership,” Nadler said as he tossed a BB-gun to a confused reporter.
“Step right up and shoot the balloons, sonny,” he bellowed! “Welcome to Stimulus 3.0, where you get a chance to win great prizes!”
Nadler then wrested the pellet gun back from the befuddled reporter, yelling at him that a shot at winning stimulus prizes cost 5 Congressland tickets, which could be bought for cash as the entrance to the Capitol building.
Americans have responded positively to the chance of winning some of the new stimulus, though tedious fiscal hawks have pointed out that the cost for the entire package is listed as $3.57-trillion, and only 3 paragraphs mention the “COVID RELIEF: Congressland for Citizens Fund,” and of those 3, 2 of them are just prices for the carnival games, which start at $20 for a chance to nab a small, stuffed AOC doll.
Thankfully, we all know that our leaders will be voted in again as soon as they put a (D) or (R) beside their name, which tells anyone who looks everything they need to know about their moral character.
Stimulus 4.0 is already on the horizon as Stimulus 3.0 accidentally left out $557,000,000 dedicated to sex reassignment surgery for nonbinary sexual felons who identify as deer.