Reading Time: < 1 minute

FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino had excellent news during a recent interview with Fox. Once a skeptic who had his entire social media company terminated by monstrously large intelligence agencies working with giant businesses, Bongino now firmly believes that Jeffrey Epstein did in fact kill himself, based on what he learned from the monstrously large intelligence agencies.

“I’m Dan, so you’ve got to trust me,” he said while his eyes darted nervously around the room. “I thought nothing added up with the suicide, but then I saw the files the intel agencies gave to me while making finger guns and throat cutting motions, and I was instantly convinced.”

But Bongino said he knew that wasn’t enough for some naysayers.

“People have been suspicious about the cameras going out before Jeff chose to hang himself so violently that he shattered 3 of his cervical vertebrae and ripped several arteries apart, but that can be laid to rest, just like Jeff. We will soon be producing AI video of the exact moment the suicide happened to Mr. Epstein.”

Bongino credits the incredible advances in artificial intelligence with creating a video that can trick “all boomers and 95% of everyone else.” He asked that people please not question why the video took so long to make.

The intel agencies are also currently hard at work making a great AI video showing the last moments of Efrain “Stone” Reyes. Reyes, Epstein’s cellmate, was transferred out on August 9th so that Epstein would have privacy during his suicide on August 10th. Reyes then committed suicide via COVID at age 51. The new video will even have a laugh track. A theatrical series is planned, with Ghislaine Maxwell tentatively slated for next election cycle.