Wednesday, March 4th—Democratic Presidential Joe Biden was roused by an aide today to give a speech in Pennsylvania, and groggily commented that he was “Super-pumped for Super Tuesday,” which he did surprisingly well in the day before.
The septuagenarian then recoiled at the sight of his own shadow, followed by letting loose a snore as he fell back into an ancient slumber, as he does during the winter months. Worried staffers were seen shaking Biden to wake him back up, commenting with annoyance that there’d be 6 more months of campaigning now.
While he thought that Super Tuesday was yet to come and thus obviously wasn’t mentally oriented to time, place, or event, the fact that Biden woke up at all was cause for great celebration to the assembled legion of Democratic faithfuls, many of whom were there for selfies and to have their hair sniffed. Some hoped to even receive a light groping, as the old man likes to give out at times, as one of his quirks.
With a shove from a handler, Biden groggily stumbled to a nearby podium, where he promised that, if he’s elected, he’ll repeal the Jim Crow laws, but warned that he has a strong stance on Prohibition, as alcohol is a gateway drug.