Dems Counter Trump by Picking Only American Who Can Beat Him at Inappropriately Touching Women

Dems Counter Trump by Picking Only American Who Can Beat Him at Inappropriately Touching Women

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Washington, DC—After a grueling process of having to weed out 327,999,998 people better suited to running the most powerful nation in the world, the United States has finally narrowed the field down to the two people most likely to grab a woman by the genitals.

Democrats scrambled to find a candidate who could beat current president Donald Trump at treating women in the most disturbing way possible, but lucked out upon remembering that they had Joe Biden.

“What better time for Joe to make his 8th run for president?” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “He’s primed to sniff and grab anything female that comes his way, and we’re confident that he’ll show Trump what real, unwanted advances look like. Joe’s svelte and in the prime of his life. He doesn’t look a hair over 95, and he can do magic tricks with those hands of his. It’s all about the misdirection. You think he’s reaching for you with his right hand, but then BWAH he’s got you with his left. You’ve gotta be paying more attention than that! He’s real wily, uncle Joe.”

Trump says that he plans to have Biden’s recent accuser, Tara Reade, seated in the small, inaugural debate audience, though Biden has requested that she be seated “on his lap, the better to smell her.”

The Biden campaign says that Joe must be afforded extra Secret Service agents to help protect the vulnerable women he might encounter.

“Memories of his conquests always get him all spooled up,” an aide remarked. “Sometimes we can tamp that down by scaring him with a lifesize, cardboard cutout of Corn Pop, but it doesn’t always work. He’s real randy.”


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