dōTERRA Oils has released a smash-hit line of new “Essential Opioid”oils to pandemic-weary Americans, but the marvelous concoctions didn’t just pop out of nowhere. dōTERRA experimented last fall with new lines of “Essential Cocoa” and “Essential Poppy,” which they claim received rave reviews from focus groups, “totally unexpectedly, we promise.” As 2020 rolled around, their scientists realized that things needed to be kicked up a notch, because Essential Lavender just wasn’t cutting it for stressed-out Americans.
“First Australia burned down entirely, which sucked but at least they were all dead that way instead of from coronavirus, which is going to get you too, soon, and I bet that stresses you out, huh,” remarked dōTERRA chief scientist Dr. Koch Deeler. “And then everything else happened. No longer were our standard oils enough to cut away at the stress that people faced. So we said, ‘Hey, what if we make a new oil that’s a bit more powerful than the others?'”
Realizing that they had a real hit on their hands with “Essential Poppy,” they worked a bit and out popped what they’re calling “Essential Heroin.” Just one in what is now a full lineup of killer anxiety-busters, Essential Heroin is seeing such record sales that it’s out of stock in most countries and banned in a number of others.
“I really like it,” said Kathy Harris, a now-stay-at-home mom in California who has to teach her own kids since the pandemic has ruined everything. “Every time I hear the screaming and the shouting and the stomping and the biting and the slobbering, I get a little upset so I just take a hit of whatever Essential Opioid is closest, though I like Heroin the best. And they don’t even need a diffuser.”
A new survey found that literally every homeschooling mom who’s been forced to homeschool is on Essential Heroin, with a number reporting that they’re on more than one Essential Opioid at once.
After receiving some flak from the FDA, dōTERRA is changing “Essential Heroin’s” name to “Health-Star Heroin,” pointing out that it cures headaches, insomnia, anxiety, stress over dying from coronavirus, stress over dying from that growing, irregular mole that you haven’t had checked because of coronavirus, stress that your kid has to be homeschooled or zoom-schooled, stress that your kid is a brat and boy you’re learning it now, stress that Donald Trump or Joe Biden will be elected, and stress that peaceful protests will burn your house to the ground. For unknown reasons, it also cures drug addicts of the desire for drugs like marijuana and really anything else that can possibly be classified a drug.
The FDA is also looking into dōTERRA’s claim that Essential Lavender helps cure emaciation, decapitation, bear-maulings, and obnoxious-homeschooled-child syndrome. dōTERRA claims that the findings were only recently researched and discovered, but others are skeptical of the assertions, saying that it’s in response to falling sales as Essential Opioid has become the go-to line.
In unrelated news, the prescription-drug epidemic came to a screeching halt, which Dr. Anthony Fauci attributes to the fact that probably 99-101% of Americans have died from coronavirus.