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Modern day Iran.

In the wake of violence in the Middle East, the Pew Research Center has polled 9,000 evangelicals across America to ascertain the group’s stance on war with Iran. Below are some of the findings:

  • 98% of evangelicals support war with Iran, 1.5% oppose war, and .5% are undecided.
  • Of those who support the war,
    ▶ 87% support it because the Garden of Eden might be located there,
    ▶10% support it for self-defense purposes;
    ▶3% support it for other reasons.
  • Of those who don’t support the war,
    ▶92% are rank cowards;
    ▶5% believe that there are better ways to influence a country for Christ, and are also rank cowards, but also fools.
    ▶ 3% believe “Mission Accomplished” already.
  • Significantly, 88% of all surveyed were unable to correctly identify which continent Iran was located on, which is 78% better than the national average, and 99% better than females from North Dakota.

Pew also contacted numerous respondents in person, via phone, and via email. As most were pro-war and gave reasons such as, “The Garden could be there,” and, “It’s probably pretty dry now, so we’ll have to kill, kill, kill, blood makes the grass grow,” we’ve primarily chosen to include snippets of these interviews which are unrelated to the Garden of Eden:

Well, I mean, I support the war with Iran. We’ve been fighting them since…like, what? We’ve been there since 9-11, right? Don’t we own Baghdad?

Sierra P, age 37

I know fully well that the Bible says to beat the plowshares into swords, and the New Testament commands us to call down fire upon their heads! We’re gonna grab Iran by the [redacted].

—John B, age 52

I’ve seen the maps! I know where the Garden of Eden is! It’s time we took it back from those commies. We’re gonna make the Garden great again! So proud of our president!

Nick Y, age 62

I’m undecided. The USA has been over in the Middle East for so long. I feel like our Deep State hangs out on the shallow end too much. Did you know that we tried to kill Castro with a fake cigar, after he’d given up smoking them? And I guess we once considered making an explosive sea shell for him to get blown up by while scuba diving, since he loved shells and diving. Anyway, I feel bad the for Cubans, and maybe we should have droned Castro, but it seems like we’re not all that smart. [The interview was terminated as the woman wouldn’t stop rambling, according to Pew. —ed]

Jess K, age 22

I thought that Iran was already a state? Is this a civil war? Or was it Iraq?

Mike F, age 40

They’ll fall out with the Holy Ghost or with nuclear radiation, and I don’t care which! Works for me.

Adam F, age 45

My heart aches for those people over there, but I also don’t want to see more bloodshed. I say that we consider options other than war, like Reagan did!

Kelly K, age 72

Pew Research plans to regularly re-poll respondents to assess changes in stance.

Share your comments, critiques, or criticisms here. [Please note that I alter most the hate comments to make them funnier for the other readers.]