Lakewood Church—Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church is in dire need of repairs, which the MegaPastor is blaming on the poor quality of the help that they can get around the place.
“Shameful, God has surely noticed their lack of work ethic, and will likely smite them,” said Osteen of the janitorial staff at the church. “Just yesterday, I left my station as the Only Begotten Pastor of God, coming down to the public restroom rather than using my golden throne, and I kid you not, the first toilet I picked just fell off the wall. And now I hear that the janitors have made the situation worse after I told them about it.”
Osteen blames the toilet detaching from the wall on janitors who are content to hide their talents rather than trying to invest them to make the master more money, which he said he means in both the figurative and literal senses.
Because of the damage to the toilet and the wall—caused by one plumber ripping around inside like a disgusting, disease ridden, naked African mole rat—Osteen has started a GoFundMe to cover the losses to God’s best church. He estimates that the lavatory damage is in the range of $600,000.
For those concerned, pastor Osteen has offered reassurances that the plumber and money launderer have both been fired. He’s already started a self-help book on how to avoid hiring staff who look into mysteries where even angels dare not tread.