Having declared, “Corporations are people,” to much scorn and mockery from outraged liberals, Mitt Romney ended up on the right side of history today after dying in an auto accident and being instantly reincarnated as Raytheon.
“Ooooh,” his ghostly voice said from the side of Raytheon Technologies Corporation’s corporate headquarters, where vestiges of his previous visage were eerily visible. “All you people who said companies aren’t people were wrong, huh?”
“BEHOLD MY NEW FORM AND TREMBLE, MORTALS, FOR YOUR LIVES ARE NOW FORFEIT!”
After ranting for some time about the glories of his newfound, corporate powers, Mitt “Raytheon” Romney said that he’s excited to vote in the next election. He’s also happy to be developing state-of-the-art weapons in his new form, something that he could only get paid to vote for previously.
“See this cruise missile? Brand new technology in this puppy,” he remarked to horrified assembled onlookers. “What do you think some hapless goat farmer in Yemen is going to come back as after this puppy hits him at Mach 2? Probably just a goat, I’d imagine.”
He then announced plans to “glass everyone in the BLM movement, because I was only marching with those fools for personal gain, anyway.”
Dick Cheney said that he’s considering committing suicide if it means that he can come back as Halliburton. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, meanwhile, was trying to kill herself by sniffing childsafe Elmer’s glue so that she could “come back as a breadline.”