Vice President Mike Pence is scheduled to have a brief downtime on Thursday as White House IT personnel install a personality app into his operating system.
“Can’t believe we forgot to do this 4 years ago,” said one IT department technician. “Really big “whoops,” huh? We’re installing a new app—MPersonalityUltra—that will dynamically activate and make him into the sort of person you’d want to sit down at a bar and have a glass of water with.”
The new program will also utilize ultrasonic vibrations to keep flies and other pests away. Unfortunately, it has to utilize the same speech box that Pence uses to talk, so his speech will be cut off any time the ultrasonic deterrent app kicks in.
“It’s a real tradeoff, you know, having him make the high-pitched screeching sound in the middle of a sentence anytime a fly comes around, but on the balance we think it’s just the better choice for public relations,” the IT tech said.
Pence is also scheduled to receive a small, nuclear reactor that will replace his need for organic intake of biomatter via the mouth. His sustenance routine erroneously kicked in a week ago, causing him to eat candidate Kamala Harris alive, which was a net negative look for the RNC.
Thankfully Harris’ personality had recently been backed up in Skynet and was quickly re-downloaded into another waiting T-3000-KH model, costing the campaign only a couple of hours of inconvenience. The new download did have to be retrained to not lock up people of color by the thousands.