Portland, OR—Donald Trump has caved to the voice of the nation and is giving Antifa a megalopolis-sized chunk of the United States. After trying to negotiate a return to peace and sanity, the anti-fascists simply beat him at the art of the deal.
“This is a tragic day for our country, a huge loss, maybe the worst loss, even ever,” Trump told cameras from the Oval Office, while wiping away what were apparently tears of sadness. “I have had no choice, not even one, but to cede control of much of our great nation to Antifa. And so I am ordering our Department of Homeland Security, our glorious Department of Homeland Security to help hahahahahhahahahah ahem to assist hahahahahahhahaha—” he was cut short again, apparently choked up and crying some more.
“Our Department of Homeland Security to help Antifa move to their new autonomous zone, which I am providing to them, on the house, because they have just out-negotiated me so badly, hehehe–I mean, ‘so badly ouch,’ yes that’s what I mean, that’s the ticket,” he finished after regaining his composure and dabbing his red cheeks with a napkin.
Mr. Trump said that there are so many Antifa members that he’s giving them a section of America some 15 miles long by 10 miles wide. The Air Force and Navy will also assist the anti-fascists move to their new autonomous zone free of charge, using boats and planes which are unmarked except for the clear words and symbols that identify them. It’s hard for anti-fascists to pay given that they don’t work and only siphon money and stimulus checks off of the government.
Antifa representatives were eager to see their new digs, but were already demanding more than their 10×15 miles.
Mr. Trump told conservatives that he knows it sounds bad, but they need to think “bigger than that,” and that perhaps he can get “all the unhappy little terrorists to move to their new location.”