Washington, DC—It’s being called the greatest threat to our democracy since Donald Trump destroyed the fine institution forevermore in 2016, and specialists don’t know what to do.
Americans have long relied on their moral compasses being finely tuned to discern good from evil, and it’s done amazing things for our nation, especially in the last 20 years. But that compass has a tragic flaw: it cannot work unless (R) or (D) appear immediately beside the candidate on the ballot. Without those identifiers, it’s impossible to tell a person’s character, what they believe in, or even if they’re literally Hitler or not.
And unfortunately, 1.2 million voting machines have been shipped out with software that lists “Star-Belly Sneetches” and “Sneetches Without,” rather than “Democrat” or “Republican.” The same evil error has carried over to paper ballots, on our voting process a blight, and not even one specialist can seem to get it right!
“We’ve tried everything to fix it,” said computer scientist Mark Mazie, who has described the problems as ‘just downright crazy.’ “None of the changes will stick, but we’ve got to solve this Star-Belly problem, and solve it right quick! We’ve changed colors; we’ve tried red, we’ve tried blue, but it still just says Star-Belly, we don’t know what to do!”
An independent contractor has been hired to fix what the United States cannot; his name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean, and he drives a Rolls Royce that he keeps squeaky clean. He has made a promise to Americans here and worldwide, and we all look to his work with hope and great pride:
“I’ve come here to help you.—Sylvester McMonkey McBean
I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work with great speed.
And my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed!”
Disclaimer: The above coverage was made possible by the excellent Dr. Heather Heying. She and her husband, biologist Dr. Bret Weinstein, made national news following the Evergreen State College “Day of Absence” fracas. You can follow Dr. Heying on Twitter and check out the inspiration for this post in the video below. I recommend the Dark Horse Podcast.
If you’d like to go off on a tangent to the two above, check out The Portal podcast, and this episode in particular: 32: J. D. Vance – American Dreams and Nightmares.
None of the above material or material on this site is necessarily endorsed or supported by any of the individuals mentioned.