Canberra—In startling climate change news, it has been reported that literally every single, last animal in Australia has been killed by fires in as a result of Catastrophic Global Warming©, which is a step below the IPCC’s predicted Apocalyptic Global Warming ©, which would also have killed the humans. (Though some climate change deniers have pointed out that the rising ocean level would have canceled out the wildfires.)
As of last Thursday morning, less than 15 indigenous lifeforms remained alive on the continent, and all were cataloged as having fatal bites or stings, and thus some Aussies were seen arsoning them to death “just to be safe.”
“Bloody oath, ya Yanks are yakkin’ about “tabula rasa” and reckon we’re all devo somethin’ fierce, but let me tell ya, this is scorched earth policy! Continent’s a right barbie, but No wukkas, I’ll say, mate!” said one Perth native. “Maybe now we can finally start this island off on the right foot. Crikey! Lookit there! That little koala’s still alive—ay, never mind, looks like the chlamydia did him in. Poor buggah! Well, ya wanna grab a frothy?”
The Australian natives have said that they plan on introducing new lifeforms slowly, starting with ones not nearly as dangerous as the previous inhabitants, such as the western diamondback rattlesnake.