Seattle, WA—Boeing Company has been under incredible pressure in the ongoing Max debacle, from having to shut down the assembly line to flip-flopping and now requiring that all pilots be re-trained in special simulators. It’s estimated that the outlay of expenses for the Max are in the billions.
A recent document dump has revealed that Boeing employees knew about the plane’s troubles before it crashed on two occasions, killing hundreds. Among the released internal messages were the following:
- This airplane is designed by clowns who are supervised by monkeys
- I still haven’t been forgiven by God for the covering up I did last year
- “Would you put your family on a Max simulator trained aircraft? I wouldn’t,” one employee emailed a colleague. “No,” the co-worker responded.
- “Amazing what a brown envelope can achieve… FAA were neither thorough nor demanding…”
- Employee A-I just jedi mind tricked this fools. (sic) I should be given $1000 every time I take one of these calls. I save this company a sick amount of $$$$
Employee B: What did you convince them of?
Employee A: To simply produce an email from me to the DGCA that states all the airlines and regulators that accept only the MAX CBT to make them feel stupid about trying to require any additional training requirements
Boeing has reacted strongly to the emails, saying that they are from “obvious idiots who shouldn’t have been hired,” who, “had the situational awareness of braindead gibbons.” A Boeing spokesperson commented,
“At least one of the emails if simply factually wrong. Our 737 Max aircraft are designed by monkeys, who are in turn supervised by clowns. The clowns have NO part in the design process, nor would we let them. And monkeys make poor managers—they always try to motivate employees to work harder using bananas as incentives, and there’s just no stopping them from using that leadership style. Believe us, we’ve tried it, and it just doesn’t work: humans need a more diverse diet. But the monkeys really do bang away furiously on the keyboards when designing the maneuvering systems for these jets, and who can argue against the cost savings?”
Boeing now says that their 737 Max is the safest aircraft which has ever flown, noting that it has a self-grounding system in place in case anything goes wrong, which Airbus, “wouldn’t know how to make if it hit them in the face like Ethiopian 302.” The self-grounding system works best at speeds above 600 MPH, with the aircraft oriented perpendicular to the earth.