Dallas, TX—American Air has announced that they will comply with a government mandate that criminalizes neck gaiters. The company has also received a special waiver to expedite the process of removing malcontents from society, permanently.
“It’s a well-known pipeline,” said an AA spokesperson as Dr. Fauci was whispering into his ear. “You wear a—huh, speak louder—a uh neck gaiter, so we have to call people with guns to lock you in a cage, just like we do with all serial killers. The people with guns eventually let you out of the cage, and now you want to kill even more people because you’re bitter and deranged and just unwilling to listen to the science…yep, the neck-gaiter-to-domestic-terrorist pipeline is short and swift.”
In light of that, the company’s federally-approved waiver lets them simply crucify non-compliant passengers on the spot.
“Following the science, we were going to—Dr. that tickles, less tongue—going to just bake their heads in ovens, but the FAA said that didn’t comply with safety standards, and passenger safety is our number one priority,” the spokesperson continued as Dr. Fauci flicked him in the nose with a face-mask retention strap.
American has been authorized to carry wooden 4×4 lumber and railroad spikes onboard their mainline aircraft to crucify anyone caught with unsafe masks. They say they’ll also crucify the families of repeat offenders, as well as any dogs or family pets.
Regional aircraft simply don’t have room to carry out the safety task, so non-mainline aircraft will only carry railroad spikes, skipping the lumber. In such cases, the spikes will be used to lobotomize anyone deemed a health risk, so that they better fit in with their fellow passengers.
Anyone caught wearing a bandana will be stabbed with a company-provided, culturally-diverse sai blade, “just below the mullet or at the base of the MAGA hat.”