Dr. Fauci assuaged fears of a terrifying new normal while talking to CNN’s Brian Stelter.
“So I’ve heard people worrying that they’ll have to eat bugs and drink poop water,” he remarked with his trademark, wise grin. “But that’s just not true. Not even remotely.”
Fauci went on to point out that no, you won’t be able to go to your favorite little restaurant down the street and get a nice steak. For the safety of society, we can’t have people eating indoors, going to theaters, or being where people congregate. In other words, the unsafe days of human contact are over.
But he explained sagely that he and the government fully support the ethical consumption of small businesses.
“There’s nothing tastier than eating the bank account of a restaurateur who’s putting up a “PERMANENTLY CLOSED” sign,” he said with a chuckle and a smack of his lips. “Serve it up with a side of kids’ tears and you’ll have your new favorite dish.”
“Better for the environment, too,” he said as he threw 17 masks into a waste bin behind him.
Fauci explained that the hoi polloi—dirty common folk, who in the jargon of disease scientists are also often referred to simply as the Great Unwashed—have always been clinging to their guns and religion, but their weak point was actually right in the small business. D’oh!
“So look, we support the ethical consumption of these small businesses. No, don’t just burn them down—urban blight hurts resale value. Make sure a trusted source harvests them, like Goldman Sachs.”
He then had to leave for a socially-distanced grape-stomping soiree in a billionaire’s underground cave, which is powered by the environmentally-friendly incineration of $100 bills.