Washington, DC—President Donald Trump, long-suspected of not being an actual billionaire but rather just a poor person with a personal Boeing 757, has come under fire recently for paying taxes at the rate of a poor person.
“I did nothing illegal with my taxes,” Donald Trump said yesterday while applying for Russian citizenship and booking a surprise flight to Moscow. “Nothing illegal at all. In fact my taxes are the most legal, maybe even ever. Smart people, very smart people, tell me that my taxes are the best taxes they’ve ever seen. Everyone should have my taxes.”
Trump’s press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that the President is so confident that he did nothing wrong with his taxes that he’s officially changing his party ticket and running as a Libertarian. In accordance with his newfound philosophical leanings, Mr. Trump was seen sporting a “Make Taxation Theft Again” hat.
The POTUS also explained that CNN and all the fake news should celebrate him, as he’s single-handedly done more to undermine the Trump Administration than anyone else, saying, “I don’t like to brag, but by not paying taxes, I fought the Trump Administration more than anyone, even more than Nancy Pelosi, that alcoholic old bat. But of course she’s too busy fighting salon owners and dementia, so we should have pity on her.”
Trump also criticized the New York Times for pointing out that, one the whole, he’s lost tons of money and seems to be remarkably bad at business.
“The failing New York Times, they are the real losers!” Trump remarked as he lit certified mail from the IRS on fire. “So I lost a few billion, which I could afford, let me tell you, and they whine, always whine. But did I lose the money? Or did I give it back to my fellow Americans, so that maybe they could flush a golden toilet in my beautiful, beautiful Trump towers? You’d not even have Trump steaks if I didn’t so-called “lose” money!”
White House staffers say that Mr. Trump is itemizing deductions on his amended taxes for the cost of White House office supplies and legal counseling fees regarding “retroactive self-pardoning.”