Experts Agree: Trump’s Shout of “Fight, Fight, Fight” a Grave Threat to Our Democracy
Reading Time: < 1 minuteFollowing a startling, increased-decibel event at a Trump rally, experts note a grave threat to our democracy remains ever present.
Appealing to Liberals, Trump Says He Fought the Trump Administration by Not Paying Taxes
Reading Time: 2 minutesWashington, DC—President Donald Trump, long-suspected of not being an actual billionaire but rather just a poor person with a personal Boeing 757, has come under fire recently for paying taxes at the rate of a poor person.
Trump Says in Lieu of Taxes, He Got Mike Bloomberg to Inject $1B into US Economy
Reading Time: < 1 minute As people have rightfully pointed out, all Americans gleefully pay the legal maximum in taxes, and most even donate to the US government above and beyond.
Trump Says He Should Get “Underprecedented” Third Term
Reading Time: < 1 minuteTrump has promised that he will use his third term to walk among the ashes of California. His second term, which starts in 2021, will “probably be used to attend Ancient Joe’s funeral, he is old, very old, maybe the oldest, even ever.”
Dems Commit to Court Packing by Making Literally EVERY Citizen a Justice
Reading Time: 2 minutesDemocrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Trump Commits to Peaceful Transfer of Power to Himself as Forever-Ruler
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Millions of Trump Voters Suddenly Support Obama
Reading Time: 2 minutesFormer VP Biden is currently claiming that he doesn’t even remember someone named Arack Osblama and that anyone who claims they’ve been seen together is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier for saying, you know, the thing.
How to Choose Democrat or Republican: A Field Guide
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHere at Hiking in the Light, we believe that all choices are important, no matter how absolutely bleak they seem!
In Response to Defunding Movement, Trump Giving All Police Departments AT-ATs
Reading Time: 2 minutes“The call to remove our beautiful law enforcement agencies, which are the best in the world, and maybe the best that has been, even ever, is not just a tragedy, but an outrage. I have been telling local, state, and federal officials that they need to dominate the streets, and now they will. Starting now, AT-ATs will be supplied to all law enforcement agencies nationwide. That is all.”
Nancy Pelosi Vows to Fight for Wakanda
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe latest news on Nancy Pelosi.
Fed Chairman JPow Accidentally Exchanges Entire US Economy for 3 Magic Beans
Reading Time: 3 minutesOnce upon a time, there lived an orange-skinned man and his son, Jerome, or JPow, as his friends called him, on their small estate in the fabled land of Washington, DC. It was said to be a hive of scum and villainy, but the orange-skinned man, Mr. Donald, and his son, Jerome Powell, well, they made the best of it in trying times.
Trump Promised to Pay Off $19 Trillion Debt in 8 Years, Only $26.4 Trillion Left to Go!
Reading Time: < 1 minutePresident Trump wooed conservatives with promises to pay off the $19 trillion national debt in only eight years, and good news—only $25.4 trillion left to go! It’s a darn sight better than that rotten Obummer did with his 8 years, that’s for sure!
Photo Reveals Trump Considering Lighting Small Fires in Coronavirus Patients
Reading Time: < 1 minuteNew York City Mayor Bill de Blasio reacted negatively to the idea of smoking out the virus with small fires, noting that his city is simply having “the police beat anyone who might have it.”
Content Redacted
Reading Time: < 1 minuteLooking to get a Golden Ticket from president Trump in your stimulus check, or wondering why anyone would say such a strange thing? Well that idea used to be here, but the headline was accepted for publication on a satire site, so I’ve removed it! For more information, check this out. If you’d like to see other, goofy things I’ve thought of, you can find them here. Some of them…
Trump Says He Prevented Chinese Hackers from Installing COVID-19
Reading Time: < 1 minute“We’re rebooting in safe mode, so that’s why you’re quarantined. Chy-nuh is clever. Any of you could be a virus, we don’t know, we don’t know. All of CNN is infected, they’re fake news.”
Trump Not Grabbing Women ANYWHERE Due to Coronavirus Fears
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe American president is also curtailing his dalliances with pornstars as an extra effort to limit the spread of the disease.
Trump Will Fight Off Coronovirus Using Bone Spurs (And Maybe Golf Clubs)
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAddressing the press corps in the White House, the POTUS reminded people that bone spurs were invaluable in Vietnam. Although he couldn’t personally attend, he said that it still affected him: Agent Orange was in fact where he got the idea for his facial bronzing color.
Bernie Snags Trump Vote by Offering Taxpayer-Subsidized Bronzer
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAfter ending a bad night neck-and-neck with Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders found himself needing any vote he could possibly get—even Donald Trump’s!
Bernie Tempts Trump With Promise of Free Bread and McDonald’s Lines
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe website 538 says that there is a 98% chance that Donald Trump will vote for Bernie Sanders due to the ingenious move.
CNN: Trump Signs Unimportant Document with Group of Austere Religious Scholars
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSanders commented,
“I don’t know much about that, but I know that the USSR, who had great public infrastructure, and who provided free meals to its citizens, they fought those people. So if you ask me, in my book, Cenk, pulling out of Afghanistan is the wrong idea.”
MSNBC: Trump-Taliban Peace Deal Will Cost Troops Jobs
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDoha, Qatar—While the Trump administration tries to spin the peace deal with the Taliban as a good thing, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow has pointed out that it’s another sign that Trump just doesn’t support the troops. “In the worst economy we’ve ever seen, Trump decides to end over 18 years of solid employment for our troops—what an idiot. How DARE this man end the all-expenses-paid vacations that we were giving our…
CNN: Trump Administration Caught Working with Terrorists
Reading Time: < 1 minuteMSNBC’s Rachel Maddow noted, “These people killed Americans, and now Trump’s working with them. Any person who voted for him should be shot.”
Oops! Trump Releases Re-Election Logo YEARS Too Early, and Bernie’s Angry!
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Sanders campaign has expressed outrage, noting that while Sanders will definitely have kicked the bucket by 2024, it’s not acceptable for Trump to use such a logo, because it appropriates Bernie’s ideas.
Trump Replaces US Space Command with Much, Much Better US Space Force
Reading Time: 2 minutesMos Eisley, D.C.—President Donald Trump has revolutionized space as of 2020. While space used to be under the purview of the U.S. Air Force Space Command, the Commander in Chief noted that “they were buffoons and total crybabies,” and had the lot of them disbanded. Trump, pontificating to a crowd of horrified onlookers in the White House Press Briefing Room, explained “we’re going to have a bloodbath, a yuge bloodbath,…