Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, DC—President Donald Trump, long-suspected of not being an actual billionaire but rather just a poor person with a personal Boeing 757, has come under fire recently for paying taxes at the rate of a poor person.
Reading Time: < 1 minute As people have rightfully pointed out, all Americans gleefully pay the legal maximum in taxes, and most even donate to the US government above and beyond.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Trump has promised that he will use his third term to walk among the ashes of California. His second term, which starts in 2021, will “probably be used to attend Ancient Joe’s funeral, he is old, very old, maybe the oldest, even ever.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Former VP Biden is currently claiming that he doesn’t even remember someone named Arack Osblama and that anyone who claims they’ve been seen together is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier for saying, you know, the thing.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Here at Hiking in the Light, we believe that all choices are important, no matter how absolutely bleak they seem!
Reading Time: 2 minutes “The call to remove our beautiful law enforcement agencies, which are the best in the world, and maybe the best that has been, even ever, is not just a tragedy, but an outrage. I have been telling local, state, and federal officials that they need to dominate the streets, and now they will. Starting now, AT-ATs will be supplied to all law enforcement agencies nationwide. That is all.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute The latest news on Nancy Pelosi.
Reading Time: 3 minutes Once upon a time, there lived an orange-skinned man and his son, Jerome, or JPow, as his friends called him, on their small estate in the fabled land of Washington, DC. It was said to be a hive of scum and villainy, but the orange-skinned man, Mr. Donald, and his son, Jerome Powell, well, they made the best of it in trying times.
Reading Time: < 1 minute President Trump wooed conservatives with promises to pay off the $19 trillion national debt in only eight years, and good news—only $25.4 trillion left to go! It’s a darn sight better than that rotten Obummer did with his 8 years, that’s for sure!
Reading Time: < 1 minute New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio reacted negatively to the idea of smoking out the virus with small fires, noting that his city is simply having “the police beat anyone who might have it.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Looking to get a Golden Ticket from president Trump in your stimulus check, or wondering why anyone would say such a strange thing? Well that idea used to be here, but the headline was accepted for publication on a satire site, so I’ve removed it! For more information, check this out. If you’d like to see other, goofy things I’ve thought of, you can find them here. Some of them…
Reading Time: < 1 minute “We’re rebooting in safe mode, so that’s why you’re quarantined. Chy-nuh is clever. Any of you could be a virus, we don’t know, we don’t know. All of CNN is infected, they’re fake news.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute The American president is also curtailing his dalliances with pornstars as an extra effort to limit the spread of the disease.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Addressing the press corps in the White House, the POTUS reminded people that bone spurs were invaluable in Vietnam. Although he couldn’t personally attend, he said that it still affected him: Agent Orange was in fact where he got the idea for his facial bronzing color.
Reading Time: < 1 minute After ending a bad night neck-and-neck with Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders found himself needing any vote he could possibly get—even Donald Trump’s!
Reading Time: < 1 minute The website 538 says that there is a 98% chance that Donald Trump will vote for Bernie Sanders due to the ingenious move.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Sanders commented,
“I don’t know much about that, but I know that the USSR, who had great public infrastructure, and who provided free meals to its citizens, they fought those people. So if you ask me, in my book, Cenk, pulling out of Afghanistan is the wrong idea.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Doha, Qatar—While the Trump administration tries to spin the peace deal with the Taliban as a good thing, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow has pointed out that it’s another sign that Trump just doesn’t support the troops. “In the worst economy we’ve ever seen, Trump decides to end over 18 years of solid employment for our troops—what an idiot. How DARE this man end the all-expenses-paid vacations that we were giving our…
Reading Time: < 1 minute MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow noted, “These people killed Americans, and now Trump’s working with them. Any person who voted for him should be shot.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute The Sanders campaign has expressed outrage, noting that while Sanders will definitely have kicked the bucket by 2024, it’s not acceptable for Trump to use such a logo, because it appropriates Bernie’s ideas.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Mos Eisley, D.C.—President Donald Trump has revolutionized space as of 2020. While space used to be under the purview of the U.S. Air Force Space Command, the Commander in Chief noted that “they were buffoons and total crybabies,” and had the lot of them disbanded. Trump, pontificating to a crowd of horrified onlookers in the White House Press Briefing Room, explained “we’re going to have a bloodbath, a yuge bloodbath,…