Bernie Sanders Promises To End Wars, Bring Home Troops To Guard Gulags Instead

Bernie Sanders Promises To End Wars, Bring Home Troops To Guard Gulags Instead

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Bernie Sanders at a campaign rally.

Berkeley, CA—Bernie Sanders is experiencing a polling surge, and is making the most of recent events to capitalize on it. With war and escalating tensions in the Mid East deeply unpopular with the American populace, except for evangelicals, who wish to spread the good new of Jesus Christ through killing anyone who isn’t familiar with him, Bernie has announced plans to bring the troops home.  At a speech to a packed auditorium at UC Berkeley, Sanders said to great jazz hands,

It never occurred to me, as a kid in Brooklyn. That the United States of America. Our great nation, could move into a time, where we shed blood, all across the world. But that is precisely, in my view, that is precisely what we have done. And let me tell you, America. The cost is BEYOND measure. And we will bring the troops home. This, I promise you.

Bernie went on to say that the country can’t afford foreign wars, spending a trillion dollars a decade on killing people who only want to leave us alone once we’re all dead, before smoothly transitioning into his new healthcare and climate spending plans, which he estimates will cost only between 4 and 60 trillion per year. 

Sanders noted that bringing the troops home will also free up manpower for other things, such as guarding the Gulags and labor camps. 

The candidate seemed to be sporting a fresh tattoo, which some people spotted during one of his characteristic fist pumps. He said that he and AOC decided to get matching tats at the suggestion of Ayanna Pressley.

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